Breast Cancer — Page 3

Chemo #2~ Help me to Sing “Hallelujah”

June 4, 2015 by Brooke ·

Today was a great day, other than one major hiccup. I praised God to learn that my hemoglobin was back up to 11 which meant no blood transfusion! Hallelujah!

The hiccup we had today was with the first chemo drug they administered called taxotere. Sometimes it can cause an anaphylactic reaction. During the first round, I was watched carefully as this drug started to drip, because the reaction occurs during infusion within the first 10 minutes usually. I felt for a split second last time like it was coming on, but then the feeling went away and I convinced myself it was all in my head because Myra (my nurse) had been talking about what the reaction was like.

This round – round 2- within 6 minutes of starting the taxotere drip, I had that same exact feeling, only it did not go away. It started with a cough and almost immediately I felt my airway closing up. I croaked out to Myra, calling her over and said “Something’s happening!!!” It happened really quickly. I felt like I could not breathe as my airway closed up. My entire body felt like it was going into shock. My face felt strange and like it was about to burst open (the only way I know how to describe it).

All of a sudden, there was a whole team of nurses surrounding me~ stopping the infusion, administering benadryl, putting a cold washcloth on my face, taking my vitals. Dr. Stillwell even magically appeared right away. (she works on all the way on the other side of the office). My blood pressure was sky high; my heart rate was 140. My face was beet red (I am told). They put me on oxygen.

It was seriously the scariest thing I’ve ever been through with my physical health.

After everything stabilized, I had terrible uterine pain. It literally felt like a nonstop labor contraction. I jokingly told Myra (my amazing nurse) that I needed an epidural 😉 haha But seriously it was really painful for about 20 minutes. Finally that let up, and they let me rest and stabilize for about 30 minutes. Dr. Stillwell decided to give taxotere one more try but at a slower drip rate to see if my body could handle it. So they reduced the drip rate from 250 to 40. Way slower… I was so scared when they started that drip again because I was terrifyed that my body would go into that reaction again! But Myra stayed right there beside me, with all of the syringes of medicine drawn in case I needed them quickly again. I just prayed and prayed, and THANKFULLY by God’s grace I didn’t have a second reaction. Praise God!!

Because of this hiccup, I was at the infusion clinic from about 8 – 5pm today.

That may be WAY too much detail, but I want to write these things down, not to scare anyone who may go through this in the future, but to get someone prepared for what could happen, and also if it does happen IT’S OK. I believe God wanted me to walk me through something that scary to show me He would carry me through it. He was right with me. It happened at a time I had a friend visiting who brought me lunch and I emphatically said (hopefully not too harshly!) “PRAY FOR ME!!!” She grabbed my hand and prayed and calmed my heart. That was a gift.

So now, with hair loss…..

I knew eventually the dreaded day would come when it would be best for me to go ahead and shave my hair. I prayed grace over this day, because I knew how hard it would be.

My hair had been falling out increasingly. It was becoming a big pain and I knew that very soon the “big day” of head shaving would need to take place. I did not want to PLAN this day, I just knew that I’d know when it needed to happen, and I’d just do it when I knew. I wanted it to happen organically and in God’s time. I wanted God to plan the day and then just reveal it to me. I trusted He would. And He did.

First thing this morning, my friend Becky met me briefly at the infusion clinic on her way home from work (she is a nurse at Lexington Medical and works nights and had gotten off at 7:30am). One of the first things Myra said to me this morning as she was cleaning my port was “darlin, you know you’re hair is about to be gone…probably by the weekend”. Of course this got me emotional, anticipating that BIG dreaded day that I knew needed to happen soon. The day of head shaving.

Becky said “why don’t you just come over after your chemo is over and I’ll shave it off”. . Right away I knew this was God’s plan. It felt right. She even bought me the cutest Vera Bradley scarf to celebrate this big day. Becky is a dear friend, and we have shared many dark and light seasons arm in arm. I knew I also wanted Justin to be there with me too. It felt like a very vulnerable time.

So after the extra-long chemo day, Justin took me to Becky’s house. She put on Pandora worship music, we prayed together – asking the Lord to come and intersect our time together doing this dreaded and hard thing.

We first used the scissors to cut my hair very short. Justin looked on, and with love in his eyes encouraged me, and provided comic relief. I have tears in my eyes as I type this because I will NEVER forget that image of my beloved sitting at that table, watching as his wife’s head gets shaved. He reminded me of the old Randy Travis song “I’m gonna love you forever” and that lyric that says “I aint in love with your hair, if it all falls out, I’d love you anyway”. This is true love, y’all. He’s amazing.

Just as the shaving started, God gave me a sweet gift. On the pandora station (which we had no idea what song would come up next), a VERY special song started playing for me. It was straight from God’s heart to mine. As I heard the distinct sound of the electric razor, I also heard the song “Hallelujah” by Bethany Dillon. This song was one of my infertility anthems, and I played it on repeat as we were going through fertility treatments, and the Lord used it to push out fear that they wouldn’t work. One of the lyrics of the song says “Whatever’s in front of me, HELP me to sing hallelujah”. That is SO much my heart…it was then, and it is now. “Lord, we DON’T know the future. It is unclear. But whatEVER is in front of me, HELP me to sing Hallelujah. Lord help me to praise You through whatever is ahead.”

There was no guarantee that I would get pregnant back then. Scripture doesn’t promise us that. Just as there are unknowns ahead in my journey. But I choose to praise Him through the unknowns.

As that song started playing over the sound of the electric razor, I put my head in my hands and just started crying. I felt so loved, so cared for by our Great and Mighty GOD! I knew He had orchestrated every detail of this dreaded night, and wanted to remind me in every way that He was with me. He saw me. He cares for me. It’s simply amazing. Out of ALL the songs that could have played in that very moment it was one so close to my heart.

The dreaded hard day was really not.that.hard. It’s all His grace. It abounds day by day. New mercies I see every morning. I want to encourage you – if you are facing a hard thing, get real about it, and face it head on. Beg the Lord to intersect that hard thing, and then have eyes to see the glimpses of His grace and presence in the midst of the hard thing. Often God calls us not to walk around the difficult parts of the journey, but trust that He will walk with us THROUGH them…sufficiently lavishing us with His grace along the way. I saw this tonight.

I could continue writing because my heart is so full, but this post is getting too long.

My new looks:

true love. in sickness and in health.

And my wig!

this is not my real hair. although it could probably pass for it!

I’ll post prayers another day. For now I’ll leave you with this verse. Its because of Jesus I have HOPE. Jesus is a sure and steadfast anchor of my soul. And the anchor holds.

credit: Brightside Studio

Click hear to hear “Hallelujah” by Bethany Dillon

Lyrics to “Hallelujah” by Bethany Dillon

Who can hold the stars and my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I’ve fallen so hard, sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean or do anything
But it’s when you hold me that I start unfolding
And all that I can say is

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing Hallelujah

Oh, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing Hallelujah

The same sun, rises over castles
And welcomes the day
Spills over buildings into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone and you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing Hallelujah

Oh, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing Hallelujah

(Hallelujah)
Help me to sing Hallelujah
(Hallelujah)

Ho, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing Hallelujah

Oh, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing Hallelujah

Oh, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Filed Under: His Grace Abounds - Original Blog · Tagged With: Breast Cancer, Chemo, Hair Loss, Infertility

Oh for grace to trust Him more

May 31, 2015 by Brooke ·

I have been meditating on this lyric of the beloved hymn “Tis So Sweet” this afternoon and evening.

How do we trust God when things are hard? When we walk through the valley; when tragedy strikes.

It’s all His grace…even that we can trust Him at all is His grace. Oh, for the grace to trust Him more!

I’m praying for grace to trust Him more throughout each step that lies ahead. A prayer of mine is to know God more myself through this journey. We see in the scripture that suffering draws us in a particular way deeper into fellowship with the Lord. There is much unknown in the days ahead, but instead of fear ruling in my heart, I choose to trust Him. God is the author of my story, and I trust His character.

In this past week as I’ve been processing the Eddings tragedy, and finding out some terrible news from another dear friend, I’ve spent much time in prayer. God continually speaks to me “My daughter, I am good, and my mercy will endure”. When so much is unknown and difficult to understand, I just rest in His character, and that HE is God. Trying to understand God’s ways is like trying to get my three year old Hannah to understand calculus. That’s where our trust comes in…trusting in WHO God is in the midst of every circumstance.

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

Glimpses of Grace:

~I have felt pretty well this week, with a couple of exceptions. I was able to take care of my children and have enjoyed being a “normal Mommy” this week, taking them to the playground and getting haircuts; taking all three to the grocery store and getting a free Publix cookie…..this, my friends, is the “good stuff”!

~I felt well enough to worship again this morning and it is always a joy and delight to be with my church family at NEPC

~Hearing my children pray for me each night…I love their tender hearts, and even though our prayer time is rarely PERFECT, it is precious to me. (side note, the prayer time is hilarious too. Tonight Hannah prayed for all the airplanes and that they wouldn’t fly into her. She’s a hoot!)

Here’s how you can pray for me this week:

~pray for my hemoglobin numbers. They are lower than the nurse likes to see and if they get too low I’ll have to have a blood transfusion which could delay my treatment. I need for my hemoglobin to be higher than 8

~pray for my Genetic Counseling appointment on Tuesday 6/2. I have no idea what to expect so just pray for wisdom and grace over that time.

~ pray for my treatment on Wednesday 6/3; that the chemo would continue to kill every cancer cell in my body

~pray that the side effects are more manageable this time around, and that I’m able to eat

~pray for everyone who will be helping me take care of my precious children over the next two weeks: Justin, my mother-in-law, my sister, my parents. Pray for lots of good cuddle time with me and that they don’t get too upset seeing Mommy sick

~pray against fear that the cancer has spread. Each time I have a headache or a pain anywhere in my body I have to take that thought captive!

Thank you for your prayers, you’re amazing.

His grace abounds,

Brooke

Filed Under: His Grace Abounds - Original Blog · Tagged With: Breast Cancer, Chemo

Your goodness chases after me

May 26, 2015 by Brooke ·

The tragic news about the Eddings Family weighed heavy over the weekend. But health-wise, I’m so thankful to share that I’m feeling much, much better.

The first time I met with Dr. Stillwell, my oncologist, she shared the 3 week chemotherapy treatment plan that I would be on. I remember her preparing me that I would have 1.5 weeks of feeling “terrible”, and 1.5 weeks of feeling “ok”.

At some point in the conversation I also remember her saying that day 3 after chemo was typically the worst day. (This part – ‘day three is the worst day”- was the part of the conversation I chose to focus on, because I could not imagine feeling terrible for a week and a half and I just chose to forget that part!)

Being the eternal optimist, I figured that I’d have chemo on a Wednesday, feel awful over the weekend, and be mostly back to normal life by the next Tuesday. I know, optimism can verge on delusion! That was one reason last week was so difficult for me – both physically AND emotionally. The side effects (mostly fatigue and stomach problems and lack of appetite, which contributed to the fatigue) lasted till Friday…not Tuesday like I was hoping.

The week and a half of “terrible” and week and a half “ok” is pretty much how it’s playing out. Only the “ok” days have actually been “pretty good” days. And I’m so thankful to be feeling pretty good. I never knew how much I took my health for granted until I was mostly in bed for a week and a half!

Saturday for a change of scenery we went to my parent’s lake house and I took it VERY easy in the shade as the children splashed and played and went tubing. I felt ok. My stomach was very uncomfortable but my appetite was beginning to come back at least.

But Sunday– oh Sunday was AMAZING!! I remember waking up for the first time in a week and a half feeling like I could actually fix my children breakfast. I felt almost back to my usual self! I took a shower without sitting down! I fixed myself something to eat and drink, and I was actually hungry!

Our family went to worship together and I felt like the sermon was just for me. During worship we sang some of my favorite songs, including a song called “Joyfully”. One of the lyrics of this song says “Your goodness chases after me”. These words always go straight to my heart because they speak of the relentless pursuit of our Lord, and His goodness over our lives. This is a good description of my weekend, but overall my life. His goodness, YES, it chases after me.

After church we even went to Red Robin to eat lunch with our friends thanks to our friends the Berrys who had given us a gift card! It was so amazing, I almost forgot that I was a cancer patient.

Later on Sunday I even went for a nice long walk with my sweet friend Lori, complete with great conversation of course. Since I was exercising before, Dr. Stillwell says to continue to exercise as much as I feel up to it.

sweet friend Lori who loves running and Jesus as much as I do. She’s slowing down to walk with me these days!

And to top it all off, I took Selah grocery shopping! Under usual circumstances, this would NOT excite me! But something I’ve come to realize is that cancer gives you “new eyes”. Just feeling well enough to go to the store was a BLESSING. I was drinking it in, and enjoying every minute of it….from rolling the windows down in the van and belting out Kari Jobe’s “Forever” on the way there and back with Selah singing in the back seat. All of these seemingly small things are a straight up GIFT from God. Oh how I pray I never take them for granted again!

cherished time with Selah..even at the grocery store!

Monday was another great day where I had energy! We went to Chickfila with the kids for lunch and spent the entire afternoon with the Pittman family at the pool. It was a lazy, easy, fun day.

During these days where I feel good, I’m soaking in every moment with my precious family. Right now I’m focusing on my Lord, my health, and my family. Those are the important things and all else is falling away. I want to live these days to the FULLEST…doing things we’ve been putting off, or doing things we wouldn’t normally do. I want to live spontaneously, lightly, and joyfully. I want to reconnect with friends we haven’t seen in a while. These are all the treasures I’m finding in cancer, and I thank God for these weeks where I will feel well enough to live life to the fullest.

My next treatment is Wednesday June 3, and the nurses say typically this one is more difficult than the first because the chemo accumulates in your system. (For any medical people, I apologize if I’m describing it incorrectly!). I pray that it will be easier all in all because I’ll know better what to expect. Shortly after the second treatment is when they expect I will lose my hair. I can tell some of it is already “releasing” but not clumps yet. It just feels like the amount I lose when I was nursing. (All you Mamas know what I mean!) . My heart is in a good place with the hair loss.

I’ll never stop thanking you for the outpouring of love and support we continue to feel. Thank you for choosing to walk this journey and read along with me. God continues to speak to me so much and I am thankful to have an “outlet” to express what He is doing in my heart in my time with Him. I pray it blesses your heart and my deepest desire is that this blog in someway, somehow, draws you deeper into God’s presence.

His goodness chases after us, indeed.

His grace abounds,

Brooke

Filed Under: His Grace Abounds - Original Blog · Tagged With: Breast Cancer, Chemo, Hair Loss

It Matters {why write?}

May 22, 2015 by Brooke ·

Every now and then I meet a friend and although I barely know her, I feel like I know her soul. Ellen Parker is one of those friends. On her blog a while back, she posted this video and it rocked me like little else I had heard before. This post from the archives of my writing is dedicated to you, Ellen, as you have shown me that “it matters”. (Cancer update at the bottom of post)

If video does not appear click this link to see “Why it Matters” by Sara Groves

(written January, 2014)

“Like the statue in the park

Of this war torn town

And it’s protest of the darkness

And the chaos all around

With its beauty, how it matters

How it matters”

-Sara Groves

Why write? Why express? What’s the point in taking these jumbled prayers and thoughts and dreams and hopes, and sitting down, and actually putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard until they make sense?

It happens like this: I see a thing of beauty, and it conjures up a thought; an idea…and a connection is made. A spark of great beauty in the midst of a regular day… even if just for a moment.

A sunrise. A sunset. The twinkle in a child’s eye. An old hymn. A kindred spirit friend. The way the sunlight comes through my window and stretches across the hardwood.

A reality is the spark can be snuffed out as quickly as it comes. All it takes for it to dim is a back- seat argument, a terse word, a weight of fear. BUT…what if…what if these tiny little sparks could keep flickering? They would illuminate my world.

The beauty is there, we just must search for it, and seek it, as if for a lost treasure. And then, once we find it, we need to express it. And encourage others to see their little sparks.

It means connecting on a deeper level and not just living in the day to day flesh story, but seeing the deeper meaning and the deeper story that lies just beneath the surface. It’s God’s story..the story of faith He’s writing in all things. If we look hard enough we can see sprouts of it in this world.

As Sara Groves puts it – we are living in a war-torn town. No doubt this life is full of pain and hurt and tears, broken relationships, abuse, hate, sadness. This world has been ravaged by an enemy leaving trails of brokenness behind him. But there IS beauty, even in wartime.

This is why it matters. There is purpose in creating beauty in these savaged streets, because the beauty reminds our soul that THIS war time? IT’s TEMPORARY.

As we see beauty sprouting through the rubble, hope springs in our hearts. We are reminded of the One who created beauty, and is an expressive God. In an amazing act of love, God sent His ultimate expression of beauty–Jesus Christ, who came to dwell with us.

Let’s look for the Beauty which continues to dwell with us. On the darkest of days, the beauty is a beacon reminding us of the bigger story.

This is why I write. This is why I create. To make sense of these days which turn into years, which ultimately make up my lifetime.

This war- torn town….THIS IS NOT ALL THAT THERE IS. Seek the beauty and then express it in whatever medium: words, photographs, music, art. We all need the reminder that this isn’t it.

We need more statues in this war torn town. It matters.

“…Friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. … Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.”

Philipians 4:8-9 (The Message)

Cancer Update (5/22/15):

I have felt the best today that I’ve felt in over a week. HALLELUJAH! I have been eating and, although still fatigued, at least I’ve been able to eat. I’m regaining my strength day by day! So many glimmers of grace, including my friend Amanda coming over today to give me a pedicure, and take me to Target to pick up some medicine. I stayed in the car while she went to get the meds, and my friend Laurie was in the parking lot walking back to her car with her daughter Caroline (sweet high schooler in my discipleship group) and they came over to speak and hug. SO great to see them. It was a great day 🙂 God is good. Thank you for your prayers!!!

His grace abounds,

Brooke

Filed Under: His Grace Abounds - Original Blog · Tagged With: Breast Cancer, Writing

Song for the Suffering

May 21, 2015 by Brooke ·

It’s been a difficult week learning to manage the side effects of my chemo treatment last week. Below is a song that I’ve been listening to that brings my heart great comfort. (If the video does not appear click on this link to view in YouTube) Though You Slay Me; Shane & Shane

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say you do it all in love
That I might know you in your suffering

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

Though tonight I’m crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You’re still more than I need
You’re enough for me
You’re enough for me

Glimmers of Grace:

*My family and Justin’s family who have stepped in and served us so well..helping in so many ways but mostly loving on and caring for my children while I cannot. They are a blessing and I don’t know what I’d do without each one of them.

*A precious visit from my sister who loved on me. I cherished every minute.

*All of you, our community – friends, family, church family, and friends in Northeast Columbia, out of town friends, friends from the past….we feel so surrounded by love and support. Whether it’s a card, a thoughtful gift, a Facebook message, a meal, a text, a comment on the blog…nothing goes unnoticed and every single gesture is so appreciated. THANK YOU for how well you are loving and serving our family

*The Lord provided me with enough energy to make it to my wig fitting on Monday and I found a really cute wig that looks like me and I feel good in. I’ll post a picture sometime soon in another post. (My nurse expects my hair to begin “releasing” – the word that they use- sometime shortly after my second treatment June 3. In the midst of the physical hardship of this past week, the hair thing feels much smaller)

*Two precious survivors that reached out to me yesterday at the hospital during my Herceptin infusion, providing me with encouragement. One of which was a 37 year old who I had a long conversation with and we really connected.

*The Lord has so far spared me from the bone pain that is common with these treatments. Hallelujah

*My Justin…he’s been amazing. My children…they’ve been amazing too.

Prayers:

*Pray that God will increase my appetite and strength. I’ve lost 10 lbs since my treatment which is concerning to my nurse

*Pray that I will be guarded from discouragement as I battle

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God. ~Ps 42:5,6

But you, O Lord, are a shield about me,
my glory, and the lifter of my head. ~Ps 3:3

Filed Under: His Grace Abounds - Original Blog · Tagged With: Breast Cancer, Chemo

From a Sister’s Heart

May 18, 2015 by Brooke ·

On the drive down to Hilton Head a few weeks ago, I got one of the most special emails that I have ever received. The email appeared in my inbox in a moment that was, shall we say, “less than calm”. With three littles under five I’m sure you can imagine we have our fair share of those moments.

I got one line into this email, as tears welled up in my eyes, and I knew I just had to wait. These words felt too weighty to be read during a backseat squabble over whose turn it was to choose the next movie on the DVD.

So, I saved it.

Late one night, after the children were nestled in their beds, and Justin was watching something interesting on TV (which did NOT interest me ;)…I grabbed a tissue (smart), re-opened the email and started reading.

My beautiful sister had written me the most beautiful words and prayers. It was, I could tell, therapeutic for her, and writing was helping her to process the emotions of being so many miles away in Houston while finding out her sister has cancer.

She has agreed to allow me to share some of her beautifully transparent writing. What I think you will find are emotions, thoughts and feelings that span beyond sickness; beyond sisters.

I thank you for your continued prayers. I’m still feeling weak and having a hard time tolerating food. Please pray I regain my strength soon.

I trust you will be blessed as I share these prayers “from a sister’s heart”.

You may want to grab a tissue. (or maybe that’s just me!)

Written by Liz Fisher:

4/26/2015

Two days ago was my ‘baby’s’ 2^nd birthday. I woke up agitated because I had to choose between and important work call and being with my son when he woke up on his birthday. An hour later of trying to be half-present on the conference call and half-present for my baby’s birthday breakfast, I gave up and broke down.

Running to my closet (every woman’s safe haven – right?) I cried tears for the chaos of our lives, sweet moments with my children that have to be shared with a demanding career. At that moment in time, my world felt like it was crumbling.

Four hours later, I was in tears again…Wishing that I was crying over morning chaos and stressful work situations. This ‘crumble’ couldn’t be fixed by a cup of coffee or 10 minutes of closet cool-down time.

News from a loved one. Cancer. A word that has always been sad in concept, because that’s all it had been to me before. Now this concept had taken residence in my best friend. My sister. A strong woman of God who was encouraging and comforting me while she told me about her tough journey ahead. I didn’t – don’t – know how to mourn, what to mourn. So for now I am mourning the fact that I am not there to fight this battle with her. So all I can go to now is prayer.

Yesterday (4/25) my specific prayer was that your biggest source of anxiety become your biggest source of strength. You shared that your biggest worry was how this would impact your children and your husband. I can feel that being in the same crazy phase of life as you. I prayed that the immeasurable love that your husband and children have for you will become an overwhelming source of strength and encouragement for you, and that you will see your children and husband (and sister!) increasingly lean on the Lord for patience and perseverance.

I introduced Reagan to cancer Friday night. She comforted me and reminded me that it was okay, God would heal Aunt Brookie. I often think children are much wiser than many of their actions show. As I sit confused over the right way to mourn, how to feel, what to say, my daughter reads, interprets, and simplifies what’s on my heart: “Mommy, I wish Cancer was a Legend, because I don’t want it to be real.” Me neither, Reagan.

Today (4/26) I prayed my specific daily prayer at the snack-table with my two sickies (Lainey and Max). Before heading to church, Reagan (in one of her wise-beyond-her-years moments) said “Mommy it’s not fair that Lainey and Max will be better soon, and Brookie has to be sick for so much longer.” That’s right, it’s not fair. As we battle the longest stomach flu our home has ever seen, it’s still minimal compared to the long journey ahead for you. So our snacktime prayer this morning was that God will heal you FAST and make this a SHORT journey. I prayed that God would serve whatever His purpose is in this, but that He does it QUICKLY so the word cancer can be something to stow away in the past.

Filed Under: His Grace Abounds - Original Blog · Tagged With: Breast Cancer, From A Sister's Heart

Weak, but thankful.

May 17, 2015 by Brooke ·

These past two days I have been confronted with physical weakness like never before. Chemo is no joke! I do not want to gloss over the difficult parts of this journey.

I never realized what a gift from God ENERGY is.

I’ve barely had the energy to lift my head in many moments, and simple things like going to the bathroom and eating breakfast make me have to go lie down again. This is difficult for a high-energy, on the go person like me!

I knew I would lack energy, but I had no idea to what extent. I could not even muster the strength to journal and hold my bible. This makes me very sad because prayer journalling is how I process – it’s how I commune with God as I read His Word.

BUT, I’m thankful because today, Sunday morning, although I’m not at church with my family, I was able to read God’s Word on my iPhone bible app. It’s easier to hold than my bible when weak and I can look with my head still on the pillow. I’m praying through the Psalms and it’s been such a blessing so far to read each familiar Psalm with a fresh set of eyes. When I can, I’d love to share some of my reflections with you.

I’m thankful because my sister came to visit me ALL the way from Houston, TX! She’s served me so well, making me cheese grits and going on a grocery store run.

beautiful sister.

I’m thankful because I was able to make it to my parent’s house tonight and eat dinner. My aunt and grandmother were visiting from Wilmington, NC and I always love time with them. I stayed on the couch most of the time because I’m just too weak to do much else.

I’m thankful because my children are the most nurturing, loving sweet things on this earth. They love to cuddle me, sing me songs, and I even got a back rub from Samuel this morning.

my little cuddle-bug Samuel

So many sweet friends remind me that I don’t always have to be “up”….I know this. I’m trying my best to see the many blessings that I am still enjoying that cancer will NOT steal from me! Believe me, there have been many rough moments this past weekend, but overall, I’m thankful.

I’m mostly thankful for promises like this: “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT)

His grace abounds,

Brooke

Filed Under: His Grace Abounds - Original Blog · Tagged With: Breast Cancer, Chemo

Ripples of Grace

May 15, 2015 by Brooke ·

Hi, friends. I have been so encouraged to hear how the Lord has moved in others lives as a result of my cancer diagnosis. We know that God is always doing a thousand things at any one time, and it is exciting to get the opportunity to see these ripples of grace. I will occasionally share stories of how friends & family are seeing God’s hand as a result of my cancer diagnosis. You can’t even imagine how it encourages my heart, to know that His good is overcoming this terrible cancer. If you have a “ripple of grace” that you’d be open with me sharing here on the blog, please email me at : bturnersc at gmail.com with the subject “Ripple of Grace”. Thank you!

This first “ripple of grace” is from my dear friend, Amanda.

By Amanda Smith:

(Written May 8)

God is always working behind the curtain doing a million different things. We have no idea what he’s up to behind there but often he pulls back that curtain and allows us to take a glimpse of this beautiful tapestry he is so perfectly weaving together for the good of those who love him.

Today, he gave me a glimpse behind the curtain and I want to share it with you in hopes that this story help you become aware as God pulls back the curtain for you too.

I woke up today full of excitement to go to the hair salon to get my hair done. What girl doesn’t like to get her hair done? It’s always a good day to go to the salon. Today though was especially exciting because you see, a few days ago some girlfriends and I took our sweet friend Brooke, whom you all know, to get her hair cut short before she starts chemo next week. My girls and I decided that we wanted to show our support by cutting off our hair too. It was an amazing time full of laughs, ooohs and ahhhs, make up sessions and a few tears. The night was getting late and our precious friend Sarah who is beautiful and pregnant was getting tired. So I told her that I would come back in a couple of days and we could do my hair then. Of course we all wanted to have it done at the same time and have the picture of all of us with our final product that night but aren’t Gods plans always different than our plans? And His plans are WAY better! Despite me not getting my hair done on the same night, as you read in Brooke’s previous post, the hair party was a success and Brooke looks amazing! Can I get an Amen?!

So now you can see why this day in particular at the salon was more exciting to me than most. The morning started off rough. Mamas I am sure you can relate. I get up to get the kids ready for school, everything seems to go wrong and I pull an epic parenting fail by losing it with my kids. Just being real. Leaving the house feeling unlovable and defeated, I asked God and my daughter for forgiveness, moved on and tried to focus on the treat I had coming my way later in the morning. (this ties into the story I promise)

I arrive at the hair salon, nervous but excited. I’ve had long hair for years and cutting it short can always be a little scary but what better reason to do this than to support your bestie during this journey of breast cancer. Little did I know what God had in store for me and for three others for that matter.

I sat in the chair as my friend began doing my hair and as always in a salon chair, you start baring your soul to each other either because you know them really well or you think youll never see them again. (Sometimes I wonder about the many crazy stories a hair stylist hears)

We were talking pretty deep about our faith, our trust in God and the struggles and questions we sometimes have. In the middle of our conversation she says “Ill be right back, I have to get something from a client”. When she came back a few minutes later she says “My faith has been restored. In this moment right now my faith has been restored.” I had another friend with me and we looked at each other like what just happened out there. She didn’t elaborate and then changed the subject and said “Amanda I have a surprise for you.” At this point I am baffled and confused. First we are talking about faith struggles and then she says her faith has been restored and then she says I have a surprise for you. It didn’t make sense but I just rolled with it.

About an hour later when she was almost done with my hair I jokingly asked her where my surprise was thinking it was nothing. She still wouldn’t tell me. Finally after all was said and done she said “ok…Your surprise is that a lady came in here earlier and paid for your hair!” I’m looking at her in disbelief and then we just started laughing with a deep Joy that I could not explain. the confusion from earlier all started to make sense. She expalined to tell me that she has a lady that comes in once a year around Mother’s Day to bless a woman by paying for her hair. She does it because her mother had cancer and one of her favorite things to do was getting her hair done. The lady texted Sarah 30 minutes before I got there and said “I’m coming in today so to be thinking about who we want to bless today.”

When the anonymous (to me) lady came in, Sarah told her that she knew exactly who she wanted to give it to. She said to the lady “do you remember my friend Brooke who was diagnosed with breast cancer recently that I’ve been posting about on Facebook? Well her best friend is sitting in my chair right now getting her hair cut short in support of Brooke who came In to have her hair cut before her chemo.” The woman responded “That is God and that is perfect, that is who I want to bless today.” So $150 later I had a new haircut AND color because of this woman who wanted to bless someone in honor of her mother.

Now friends, ONLY GOD. Only God can put together a story like that and time it out that perfectly. On the ONE day a year that she does this for her mother who had cancer, I just “happen” to be sitting in the chair because of best friend with cancer. Words cannot properly express the overwhelming gratitude I have for this woman but also for God and the glimpses of grace He is giving not only Brooke but all of those around her.

My friends faith was restored right then because she saw God in the flesh through this woman who God tied into this story. I was blessed because I didn’t have to pay for my hair but more importantly because God was relentless in showing me that no matter what kind of person I was earlier that morning, HE STILL LOVES ME and will go out of his way to show me. The lady who paid was blessed because today she wasn’t just paying for a haircut but she knew that she was part of the bigger story. And last but certainly not least Brooke was blessed because she saw once again that God is in this! He is in Every. Single. Detail. of our lives. And that my friends is the God we serve. He does immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine. He takes the smallest details and puts them togther to make a beautiful tapestry. I know I will never forget this day and how God showed his steadfast love to myself, Sarah, the kind lady and Brooke. To God be the glory!

Filed Under: His Grace Abounds - Original Blog · Tagged With: Breast Cancer, Ripples of Grace

First Chemo Treatment- A great day!

May 13, 2015 by Brooke ·

Today marked my first step in a journey to completely remove this terrible cancer from my body!

It was a truly amazing day, full of many gifts from God. Your texts, facebook messages, and emails encouraged me throughout the day!

I will likely write another post with more details (with the purpose of remembering, or helping someone else facing cancer in the future).

For now, I wanted to share a quick update to all of you prayer warriors.

My infusions take place at Lexington Medical Center. I was there from 8am – 4pm today. They have it set up SO comfortably in there. After getting my weight and vitals, they escorted me over to my nurses’s section. My nurse for my chemo will remain the same. Her name in Myra and I already love her. The chairs recline back, they provide you with all sorts of goodies. Really, it was a little like a vacation, being waited on hand and foot 🙂 (Probably wouldn’t have CHOSEN this vacation destination!)

Glimmers of Grace from today:

-My sweet high school girls that I disciple gave me this PRECIOUS angel bracelet. They said they were my angels and would be with me through this journey. I marvel at the strength of their faith as 9th and 10th graders. It’s evidence of the LORD’s work, and Jason & Julie’s amazing investment in their lives through NEPC Student Ministries!! I love you Amanda, Amelia, Mary Catharine, Caroline, Kimberly and Emily! I had my “angels” with me today!

-The song we heard when we first turned to K-LOVE this morning on the radio was “Glorious Unfolding” which is one of my very favorite songs for this cancer journey

-They accessed my port with NO PAIN. It has been very sore and I was nervous about getting it accessed.

-My friend Renee who took time off of work to sit with me for the entire day, explaining technical terms and filling in the gaps. Renee has been an oncology nurse since we graduated from Clemson way back in 2002! Oh we had some fun times reminiscing about Clemson days, fun trips we’ve taken and our post-college days living in Atlanta. Lots of laughs and fun. I love this girl and wish I could see her more frequently. We always pick right back where we left off.

with Renee

Two other friends stopped by, and Heather brought Zoes for lunch! 🙂 yay!

with Heather; sweet college friend

Becky works at Lexington Medical center, so she dropped by too!

-I got calendars of all my infusions all the way to September!! I’m a planner, and this made my heart happy!

-I LOVE my nurse, Myra! She reminds me so much of a precious Focus Bible Study leader, Maggie McKenna. I mean down to the appearance, the mannerisms, the haircut, the “spunkiness” (for those that love Maggie you’ll know what I mean). Maggie is also a nurse and I love her so much. It was kind of like having Maggie with me all day today too.

-PRAISE – I didn’t have any of the “anti histamine” (I may be using the wrong word) reactions that two of the medications can cause during the infusion. I didn’t have much discomfort during the infusion. It was a little strange but I’ll share more details in my more detailed post.

-love my “earthly ” ROCK!! This man is a continual glimmer of grace in my life. I LOVE HIM!!

Prayers:

-My most significant prayer is that God would be glorified through cancer. Pray that people might come to love Jesus for the fist time, or grow in a deeper relationship with Him. I don’t want to squander one minute of this trial that the Lord has entrusted me to walk through

-At the same time, I want to be vulnerable and real, and walk this journey with authenticity! I don’t want to be on a pedestal but want to point to Christ alone. It is my prayer that through my WEAKNESS He is made strong, and I want to share the most difficult days with you, my friends. For example, Monday all day and Tuesday up until lunch were VERY hard days for me as I momentarily took my eyes off of Jesus, like Peter…began to sink, yet my eyes refocused on Christ in a special way on Tuesday at lunch. I can’t wait to share that with you in another post.

-Pray for God’s PERFECT healing in my life!

-Pray for me over Friday, Saturday, Sunday….what can be anticipated as my “down days”

-Pray that God would help me find a cute wig on Monday, as I meet with the ladies at “Becky’s Place”

-Continue to pray for Justin – God’s perfect sustaining grace over Him, as he continues to serve and love me so well. Pray I’m a blessing to him through sickness

-Pray for my precious children. They know of my sickness and are processing it in their own individual ways. Pray especially for my Hannah (my three year old). She’s in a somewhat difficult stage and we are trying to maintain consistency in our parenting. You Mama’s of three year olds know exactly what I mean!!! (or many of you remember!)

edited to add: how could I forget to mention Pastor Walter’s visit! Unfortunately we did not get a photo. We shared a sweet prayer time and the visit was very encouraging! Thanks Eric!

His Grace Abounds!

Brooke

Filed Under: His Grace Abounds - Original Blog · Tagged With: Breast Cancer, Chemo

One gracious blessing after another!

May 7, 2015 by Brooke ·

“From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another.” John 1:16 (NLT)

To be completely raw and honest, one of the most difficult parts of this journey for me to anticipate is the hair loss. I fear not being attractive to my husband. I fear losing my femininity (especially considering a likely mastectomy in the future also). I fear the looks and stares as hair loss just screams “CANCER” anywhere I go. It will be a constant reminder of my sickness each time I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror. When I think of this part of the journey to come, my eyes fill with tears (as they are now even as I’m typing this). I KNOW in my head that hair is no big deal. It’s just hair for goodness sakes! But in my heart it still feels like a big deal. I want to be honest and share the hard parts of this journey with you all as well.

I’ve talked with the Lord a lot about this heart struggle with my hair. And, as He does, He gently meets me where I am and reminds me that He’s in this part of the journey, too. So often when I encounter something hard, I just want Him to take it away; remove it from me. But more times than not, instead of navigating me AROUND the Hard, God lavishes His grace, and carries me THROUGH the hard. It’s not the easier way, but it’s the sweeter way. As I go through the hard I can experience His grace and provision. He draws me nearer to Himself and there is more depth to my heart-understanding of who God is.

That brings me to how I’ve seen His grace abound this week.

I wanted to get one last family photo session with my long hair, since it will be a very long while before my hair is this long again. My very special friend Sarah Cain came over to do my hair and makeup. She said she just wanted me to feel beautiful. And my friend Becky Williamson came down from Fort Mill to photograph our family. We took pictures in and around our home and neighborhood, and we had lots of laughs (and maybe a tantrum or two from a certain tired three year old!) 🙂 I am so excited to see the pictures!

Another fun part of the week was on Wednesday when my friends hosted a “hair party” for me! When facing hair loss, it is best to cut your hair short prior to starting chemo. I knew this would be a hard day for me, not necessarily because of the hair cut, but because of what the hair cut represented: the first step on the way to losing all of my hair. My sweet friends wanted to turn it into a celebration of friendship, and my friends Amanda, Stefini and Brooke even decided to get their hair cut too to support me. Seriously, I’m blown away by their love.

Sarah was an absolute blessing because she stayed late and cut all of our hair! AND she’s very pregnant, and I’m sure was extrememly tired after working all day, but so graciously stayed till 9:30 cutting our hair. We got Zoe’s to eat (my favorite) and we shared lots of laughter. It was a night I will always remember.

the ‘before’ shot – with our long hair

I’m just in awe of how God weaves our stories with one another. I met Sarah about eight months ago through a “Divine Appointment”. I shared a testimony at Focus about my “divine appointment at a hair appointment”. I could do a whole entire post on this girl and how our lives have been intertwined in just 8 short months!

the “after” with dear friend Sarah (due end of June!)

I have to give a huge THANK YOU to this dear friend, Amanda. We met 11 years ago through Maria Owens who set up a “friend date”. I walked with her through a dark valley of suffering in 2014. It was a joy for me to encourage her and be a first hand witness to God’s grace through trial. In God’s perfect plan, much healing in her life has taken place, and now she is strong and ready to help ME fight with joy! Amanda loves fierce and loyal, and I could write for days on all that she means to me. She’s taking the lead on my care team, so if you offer to help our family (which is so appreciated!) I will be sending you to her! I love you Amanda!

last shot of “Sweet & Spicy” before our hair cuts (that’s what we call ourselves)

And last but CERTAINLY not least, another glimmer of grace in this journey is that I have gotten to talk with my sister more! The Lord took her family to Houston at the end of last year, so it’s been difficult to be away from her during this time. But, God’s love and a sister’s love spans beyond miles. God laid it on my heart this week to begin praying and journalling through the Psalms as I go through treatments. There are 150 Psalms, so with doing one a day that will get me right around the time my treatments will be over. I asked my sister and we are doing this together, which is so exciting to me because we’ve never been able to be in a bible study together. But now through texting and phone calls we can share time together in God’s word! What a blessing!

sisters with babies….2010

Can’t you SEE all the glimmers of grace! His grace abounds! I could write so many more, from the gifts, to the meals, to the CUPCAKES (yum) to the times of prayer to the sweet family times. His grace abounds.

Update:

All went well with the echocardiogram, the results won’t be available for 3 days but I have no reason to believe that there is anything of concern. This was just to get a baseline on my heart function before starting chemo.

My port surgery was this morning (Thursday 5/7). Dr. Tucker inserted a port on the left side of my chest. Everything went well and there have been no complications! The pain has been a little more than I expected but I’m staying on top of it with pain meds. My parents graciously offered to watch the children overnight tonight so I can recover. I miss them!

My first chemo treatment will be next WEDNESDAY, 5/12 at 8am. It will likely last until 4pm. They wanted me to come in on Tuesday, but Samuel & Selah’s preschool graduation is that day, and no way I’m missing that!

Filed Under: His Grace Abounds - Original Blog · Tagged With: Breast Cancer, Hair Loss

Chemo #2~ Help me to Sing “Hallelujah”

Oh for grace to trust Him more

Your goodness chases after me

It Matters {why write?}

Song for the Suffering

From a Sister’s Heart

Weak, but thankful.

Ripples of Grace

First Chemo Treatment- A great day!

One gracious blessing after another!

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