Today I continue my series on “All of my life, in every season”.  On the eve of my very first chemo treatment for breast cancer,  I’m reflecting back on another desert season the Lord walked with me through:  infertility.   God was with me through infertility, just as He’s with me through cancer.  Chemo is from 8 am – 4pm tomorrow, and I’m excited for this first step to God’s PERFECT healing! His grace abounds…in EVERY season!  

Thank you for your prayers, love, support, messages, and comments. I read each one and they each encourage me in a special way in just the perfect time that I need an uplifting word.  THANK YOU…thank you for journeying with me. 

click here to read Part 1

Part 2:

I’d always heard that it’s darkest just before the dawn.  My darkest days of infertility were during the summer of 2009.

I was having tough talks to the Lord about what life would look like if having children was not in His story for me.   At that time two of my very best friends were pregnant.  As they prepared and planned to bring home their babies, I planned their baby showers.  As my dearest friends prepared their heart to mother, The Lord was preparing my own heart to surrender completely that I may never get the chance to biologically mother. 

That summer we vacationed in Hilton Head with my family.  My quiet times on the beach that week in June have been the most amazing times of communion with God I’ve ever experienced.  I was in the middle a hard wrestle of full heart surrender and that was such a difficult place to be.  I was starting to fully release my future to the Lord, and God met me morning by morning as I took my coffee, bible and journal and sat on the sand, in awe of His creation as I watched the sunrise.

One afternoon, as I sat side by side with my sister in lounge chairs, toes in the sand, we shared the sweet conversation that only sister friends can share.  We are close in age but closer in heart and how I was so cherishing that time with her.  Just as we were about to pack up for the day, she lingered, and then hesitantly shared the news that she was unexpectedly pregnant.  That week, a confusing combination of joy and heartache stirred inside. Surely the Lord was meeting me in those days, but no doubt the days were hard and I had to walk through conflicting emotions.

with my sister, Liz (she will always be “Elizabeth” to me)

I want to be REAL with you and not gloss over this hard. I wrote in my journal:

“while sitting on the beach with my sister, she shared with me that she and Jon are expecting.  It was and still is definitely a shock.  I have so many thoughts, feelings and emotions flooding my soul.  feelings of joy and blessing for them,  mixed with the wonder of “Lord, why not us?”

Psalm 40:1 says “I waited patiently for the Lord. He inclined to me and heard my cry.  He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock making my steps secure.  He put a NEW SONG in my mouth. A song of praise to our God” 

Lord, this is my prayer! Put a new song in my mouth! Remove all songs of bitterness and disappointment…remove and destroy the song of sadness Lord, and put a NEW SONG…a song of your  hope, faithfulness and grace….so that “many will see and fear and put their trust in you, Lord.

Psalm 30:11 says “you have turned for me my mourning into dancing , you have clothed me with gladness.”  Lord I pray that even in this time of waiting that THIS song of gladness would be on my lips.  Lord I don’t have to be a mother to be clothed with your gladness!  I want to be genuinely happy for my sister, but I feel as though these days are the darkest yet for me.

Lord YOU have to put this joy in my heart. Lord change me from the inside out!  Lord as I write, your sunrise is speaking so much to me.  A beautiful glorious sunrise behind the clouds….the skies dark above me, but the sun is ever present – far behind the dark clouds. . This reminds me of your faithfulness, that every day you are the same no matter what is going on in my circumstances, no matter what dark clouds are covering my days. Praise you Lord!” 

This was the start of a remarkable shift the Lord performed in my heart.  Through that week on the beach, God began to impress upon me the importance of hope, and more importantly hope rightly placed.

“Desert Song”, by Hillsong became my infertility anthem.  Each verse of the song is a prayer for a specific type of trial we might encounter as we journey, a prayer for the desert, the battle, and the fire. These words of this song resonated so deeply within me, as I felt elements of the desert, fire and battle during the heartache of the waiting season. And finally, the last verse says “This is my prayer in the HARVEST, when favor and providence flow….I know I’m filled to be emptied again, this seed I receive I will sow”

I would exuberantly sing that last verse about the harvest season as I awaited my own season of harvest.  I mistakenly understood MY harvest season to mean bringing home a baby.  Finally becoming a mother.    

All the while, I was trying to reconcile the fact that there was no guarantee that I ever would get pregnant.   Romans 5:5 says that “hope will not disappoint us”.  I read this in scripture,  but month by month I felt the sting of disappointment when yet again, there was that one, lonely line on the home pregnancy test.  As I journalled, after some time God started doing major and much needed heart surgery inside of me, and eventually revealed to me that my hope was misplaced. I finally recognized that I couldn’t put my hope in the harvest of my desires, but my hope has to be in Christ alone.  Finally I understood Romans 5:5 – hope would never disappoint, as long as my hope was rightly placed.  

2 Cor 4:16 came alive to me. It reads :  “So we do not lose heart.  Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day”  Outwardly my circumstances were seemingly wasting away, but INWARDLY I was being renewed day by day.    My hope shifted from hoping for a baby to hoping and BELIEVING that God’s plan for my life was better than I could ever ask for or imagine! (Baby or no baby!)  Ephesians 3:20 in the message translation says:  “God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.”

I started to understand that even if His story for my life did not include for me to bear biological children, that His ways were better and higher than my ways, even though I could not understand.

But what did that mean practically? For me, it looked like daily coming to the Lord, lots of journalling, being real with Him and myself about the true desires of my heart. BUT coming to  Him with palms open, as an act of sacrifice and worship.  When my heart was aching, I would cling to His promises. Such as  Psalm 103: “Praise the Lord O my soul, praise the Lord and forget not his benefits- who satisfies your desires with GOOD things” and Romans 8:28 “All things work together for good for those who love God”. 

The Lord had to bring me to the place where I trusted in His sovereignty and His goodness, and that it is possible to  have joy and fulfillment in Him ALONE, no matter what happens in my circumstances. If His answer to my prayers was NO, that He had a better YES.  This is not a place that I believe any of us can persuade ourselves into being – it has got to be a shift of heart from the Lord.

God spoke – Hope not in the harvest, but hope in Him alone. 

Consider this, friends…. what “harvest”, other than Christ Himself, are you putting your Hope in today?  Allow the promises in God’s word to wash over you and remind you that Christ in Enough for your today.  In His presence there is fullness of JOY! 🙂

CLICK HERE to listen to “Desert Song”

This blog is primarily about my journey through breast cancer, but today on Mother’s Day, I feel led to share another difficult season that the Lord brought us through:  infertility.  I will share several posts about our season of infertility and what God taught me during our time in the waiting room.  I believe even then, the Lord was preparing my heart and fortifying my faith to enable me to face cancer with Joy.  In His grace..it’s all His grace.   I pray this will encourage someone who’s in a waiting room of any kind…. infertility, singleness, or waiting to be healed.  His grace abounds….in every season.    I appreciate your prayers as I approach my first chemo treatment this Wednesday. 

Ephesians 3:20…many years I wondered if I would ever have ONE child; let alone THREE!

My personal journey in the Lord began years ago, as I sensed God pursuing my heart, although for many of those years my feet were stuck. Stuck in the quicksand of my pride, fears, and lies of the enemy, For years I chose to stand still although I sensed the Lord’s pursuit.  In December of 2006 I fully surrendered my life to Jesus and made my first decided footstep along the journey to follow Him with heart abandoned. I’m so thankful for God’s pursuit. That He didn’t give up on me.

Within my relatively short journey of faith, with this beautiful destination of Jesus always ahead, the Lord has graciously allowed for circumstances to NOT always be perfectly beautiful and sunny.  Did you know that the trials are actually His grace?  How can I say that? Keep reading, you’ll understand….

For three years, God took me through a season of infertility-a time of unfulfilled longing and heartache. I deeply desired a child, but my arms remained empty.  During that season, I often felt like I was in a waiting room – watching as everyone around me was called back, their life was moving on, mine was STUCK. When it would be MY turn? After a couple of years of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant, multiple tests and month after month after month of disappointment, we were given a very slim chance of ever conceiving on our own. My husband and I were urged by physicians to seek fertility treatments. We did not move forward with this lightly…we prayed and sought the Lord, and after 8 months we moved forward with the treatments in peace and faith.

In November of 2009, we got the best news– finally, after all of the waiting I was pregnant! A few weeks later at my first ultrasound, there was not one baby, but two! TWINS! A double portion! Scribbled verses of “Great is Thy Faithfulness were all over my prayer journal pages from those days.

Psalm 30:11 reads “You have turned my mourning into dancing and clothed me with gladness”. Oh how I sat in the joy of that news for months. And life continued, as it does….my season shifted from the wondering and waiting of infertility, to a twin pregnancy, where my belly got bigger than I ever thought possible; morning sickness, doctor’s appointments, baby showers and planning a double nursery.

In June of 2010, we joyfully welcomed 4 pound premature miracle blessings that we named Samuel & Selah. There was another season shift; from pregnancy and anticipation, to the new season of life with twin babies at home-sleepless nights (times two), endless feedings, and sitting in the joy that I was finally..finally a mother.

As you can imagine, life with two little ones was quite full, and there was never a dull moment. Just before Samuel & Selah’s first birthday, just as my husband and I were just about to take a deep breath, give each other a high five that “we made it!” “we survived our first year with twins!”, we got the surprise of our lives!…we were pregnant… again! And this time totally unexpectedly! I never thought we’d be the couple to have a surprise pregnancy , this wasn’t “supposed” to be possible!

I was about 4 weeks pregnant here, as we celebrated Samuel & Selah’s 1st birthday. And I was TERRIFIED!!

After the shock wore off, our season shifted back…..back into pregnancy, this time struggling through morning sickness while changing diapers, teaching my twin toddlers to be gentle with mommy’s expanding belly, and a whole lot of laying down my fears and anxiety to the Lord.

My days were already daunting with one year old twins, and adding another baby to the mix, I just knew it was going to HAVE to be the Lord in me to manage the blessing of three little ones so close together. Three babies within 19 months?!   It was an unlikely combination of overwhelming gratitude, and an absolute knowledge that I COULD NOT do this on my own.

We welcomed our third child, Hannah into our family in February of 2012. Her name means “God’s favor” and she is a constant reminder that God so often pours out His favor when we least expect it. The Lord ushered in a new season; the beautiful chaos of life with three little ones at home.

The seemingly long season of infertility seems to be just a thing of the past. Great is Your faithfulness LORD! In His grace and abundance, God answered my prayers. Psalm 113:9 says “He gives the childless woman a family , making her a happy mother”.

But the story doesn’t always end this way does it?

What if I was still in the waiting room, still waiting for a baby? He is still faithful. It took me a long time to understand this, and it was during my years in the waiting room season that God changed my perspective on what it means for God to be faithful.

God is faithful not because of what He DOES, but because of WHO He is.

The Lord has written such a story of redemption in our family — taking me, an infertile woman and making me the joyful mother of three…THREE children. However, I believe the greater story is the invisible FAITH work that He did in my heart. For three years it seemed like my life was on pause. But during this time, I was still journeying forward inwardly, in my faith walk..as the Lord used this time to wash His truth over me and plant it deeply in my heart.

The time of waiting held so much significance, because it forced me to BE STILL.

I needed to be still to be teachable. I am an on-the-go person. My entire life, I’ve always moved from one season to the next, then to the next, multi tasking as I go, looking ahead, anticipating the next stage while planning and preparing for it, all while trying to be the best I can be at the stage I’m currently in. For the first time in my life, the Lord pulled up the emergency break, sat down with me, and after a long long time of wrestling with Him, I finally surrendered to the wait.

The visual analogy changed from a cold, sterile waiting room that I could not WAIT to get out of… to the beautiful image of sitting at the feet of Jesus, with Him teaching me, comforting me, covering me with His truth and promises. He had to STILL me to TEACH me. To get these truths so deeply planted in my heart that when life “picked back up again” they would not be snatched up and forgotten by life in quickly changing seasons.

You’ve just heard my infertility story, which has a happy ending…but woven into the years during that season,, there were moments of heartache even during the sweet communion with Jesus. Journey back with me, to the very middle of my time in the desert season, when my heart was still very tender and raw.

From the spring of 2009 I wrote:

“”Another month, another negative test. I am sad and confused. I was so hopeful this month. I’m just devastated. The more I hope, the more I am crushed when the test reads negative. But Lord, I trust you are still in control, as hard as that is to understand right now. You are still good. It seems like we have been in this season of waiting for so long. Oh Lord will it ever end? Will we EVER get pregnant? Oh how I ache for a child.” I know that you are good, but Lord, my arms have been painfully empty for an eternity it seems.

During my time at His feet, the Lord impressed on me the importance of chronicling the journey. If this life of faith is a sacred pilgrimage, isn’t it worth recording? These journals were and still are such a blessing to me.

They are a physical representation of our desert season of infertility. I would journal scriptures, prayers, and there were many times when I would put headphones on, listen to worship music, cry and just pour our my heart to God. I used my prayer journals to get real with God, and get real with myself. I needed to have a place to feel completely vulnerable before myself and God. As I would write, the Lord would rein in my emotions and would always lead me to just the right scripture to remind and reveal who He was.

Not only was journalling therapeutic, but even now it helps me to REMEMBER. All throughout scripture, we are told about the importance of remembering what God has done in the past, to help us have faith for the future. And it’s not only for us, but for our legacy.

I remember having an especially sweet quiet time on the beach in Hilton Head in the summer of 2009 when the Lord led me straight to Psalm 78. Psalm 78:4-7 says “ but tell the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might, and the wonders he has done. He established a testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers to teach their children, so that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, so that they should set their hope in God and not forget the works of God.”

The Lord speaks to me: record so you can REMEMBER. If this pilgrimage under heaven is sacred, isn’t it worth remembering? I can say without a doubt, NOTHING bolsters my faith in Him (other than Scripture itself) quite like flipping through the journals of days past. As I journey along, it’s not hard to remember the big moves of God – but His glory is evident in the small things of life as well, if we only look for it.  I don’t want to forget those. I want to recount bit by bit His glory to all who will listen – and especially my children – so they “should set their hope in God.”

Although when I first was led to this scripture, I had no children of my own yet. But I knew that even if I never was blessed with a pregnancy, that I could spiritually mother so many children…and even then the Lord could use my chronicled journey to tell of the awesome things that God had done – most importantly the faith work that He did in my heart.

check back for part 2 of “All of my Life, in Every Season”