I realize it has been quite a while since I’ve shared an update on my health.
I wish I had news of a “Healing Christmas Miracle” to share, but today, I don’t.
After about a year stable scans, recently I’ve had a number of scans that reveal the cancer is growing and spreading. Throughout the fall season my treatment was changed a few times and I “failed” each one (meaning it wasn’t working).
The Fall season up until now has been hard. I’ve dealt with almost constant nausea, lack of appetite, weight loss, fluid build up in my lungs (which requires two times getting it drained), shortness of breath, and extreme fatigue. In addition to this, one of the tumors in my chest wall is putting pressure on the vagus nerve, paralyzing my right vocal chord and therefore I lost most of my voice. I had surgery to try to correct this but it was not as successful as expected so it takes great effort to talk above a whisper.
Most recently, CT scans show the cancer continues to grow and spread and now I have a few small lesions on my liver and a new spot on my lung. Fluid continues to build, and in the near future I will have an aspira drain surgically implanted so I can drain fluid from around my lung at home.
My care team (including my oncologist from SCOA and MD Anderson) are working together to determine what should be next; researching trials and looking high and low for something that can help.
Through it all, it doesn’t make sense, but I do have a DEEP PEACE. I’m not claiming I haven’t cried and grieved this news along with my children and family, but my soul truly is at rest with what the next day, week, month and year bring.
God has given me promises that are the same yesterday, today, and forever. Elisabeth Elliott shares in the book “Suffering is Never for Nothing”, regarding her grief after tragically losing her missionary husband: “..I didn’t need to worry about the next fifty years, which is a temptation for anyone who’s lost someone they love. You think “well, I guess I could make it through supper tonight but not real sure about tomorrow or next week”.
I so relate to this- as God’s “manna” of grace – His provision shows up for me just like it did for the Israelites each day- I’m strengthened to make it through morning craziness, then lunch, then homework, then dinner.. then the next day. I’m trying hard to focus on today and not “peer around the bend”.
This nearly 5 year cancer journey has taught me (and I still am learning much) that there is a tension I constantly I deal with when praying. I pray for a miracle-for what seems impossible with man, as our Savior instructs us to do. I also pray, as our Savior did, “Thy will be done”- in surrender to His plan and belief that He will be my companion through whatever happens.
So many prayers for a healing miracle have been lifted before the Lord by you all and I am so thankful for every one. I join you, my children and family join you as we also pray for a miracle every day.
What the Lord has impressed on my heart is that as we pray and look for the “big” miracle, sometimes we fail to see the seemingly smaller miracles that God does- those we don’t even pray for. And who are we to measure the miracle? We have such limited perspective.
On Sunday, my sister and I had some cherished time together to do our favorite thing- sit in a quiet room with bibles and journals and books surrounding us, as we read a little, journaled a little, and talked a little. We recounted miracle after miracle of what God has done in and through our family. As my friend Courtney reminds me “don’t miss the good”.
On the days that feel dark, and I’m tempted to throw a pity party, all I have to do is recount the Lord’s blessings and miracles over these months. There’s no way I can sink into a pit when I’m thanking God for His blessings— all of the Spiritual blessings through faith in Jesus, my precious mother who is the perfect nurturing caregiver for me and Lolli to the children, my dad and the Fishers and aunt, and Justin’s parents who step in, our amazing babysitter Hope who truly is like family, my dear friends who surround me and hold my arms up when I’m weak, our Church family, and Ben Lippen family ….. so many more I could mention.
I’m trying hard for heavenly perspective- although we have not yet received the “big healing miracle” that we’ve been praying for, we’ve been blessed with countless other miracles that we praise the Lord for. We are trying hard not to miss the good.
The children are processing it as healthily as can be expected. I have been honest with what we know up to this point- not sharing every “what if” but just sharing what we know now. Their prayers for me warm my heart and I love when they remind ME to pray before our family time, and I am hearing more and more maturity in their prayer. Thank you for continuing to pray for their hearts. I am comforted knowing that adversity produces character, but as a mother, I sure wish I could take the hurt away.
This journey has been so mysterious. This quote from Paul Tripp’s “New Morning Mercies”’today was exactly what I needed to read:
“Real, sturdy, lasting peace, peace that doesn’t rise and fall with circumstances, isn’t to be found in picking apart your life until you have understood all of the components. You will never understand it all because God, for your good and his glory, keeps some of it shrouded in mystery. So peace is found only in trust, trust of the One who is in careful control of all the things that tend to rob you of your peace….You need to remind yourself again and again of his wise and loving control, not because that will immediately make your life make sense, but because it will give you rest and peace in those moments that all of us face at one time or another- when life doesn’t seem to make any sense.”
Please forgive me in advance for not answering questions or responding as my energy is so limited and I’m choosing to limit my screen time. Also thanks so much for your comments and encouragement to me- I do read every message and I’m still astounded by your love for me and our family!
“My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26
“You either believe God knows what He’s doing or you believe He doesn’t. You either believe He’s worth trusting or you say He’s not. And then, where are you?” (Elisabeth Elliott)
