Song for the Suffering

It’s been a difficult week learning to manage the side effects of my chemo treatment last week. Below is a song that I’ve been listening to that brings my heart great comfort.   (If the video does not appear click on this link to view in YouTube)  Though You Slay Me; Shane & Shane

 

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say you do it all in love
That I might know you in your suffering

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

Though tonight I’m crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You’re still more than I need
You’re enough for me
You’re enough for me

Glimmers of Grace:

*My family and Justin’s family who have stepped in and served us so well..helping in so many ways but mostly loving on and caring for my children while I cannot.  They are a blessing and I don’t know what I’d do without each one of them.

*A precious visit from my sister who loved on me.  I cherished every minute.

*All of you, our community – friends, family, church family,  and friends in Northeast Columbia, out of town friends,  friends from the past….we feel so surrounded by love and support.  Whether it’s a card, a thoughtful gift, a Facebook message, a meal, a text, a comment on the blog…nothing goes unnoticed and every single gesture is so appreciated. THANK YOU for how well you are loving and serving our family

*The Lord provided me with enough energy to make it to my wig fitting on Monday and I found a really cute wig that looks like me and I feel good in.  I’ll post a picture sometime soon in another post. (My nurse expects my hair to begin “releasing” – the word that they use- sometime shortly after my second treatment June 3.  In the midst of the physical hardship of this past week, the hair thing feels much smaller)

*Two precious survivors that reached out to me yesterday at the hospital during my Herceptin infusion, providing me with encouragement.  One of which was a 37 year old who I had a long conversation with and we really connected.

*The Lord has so far spared me from the bone pain that is common with these treatments.  Hallelujah

*My Justin…he’s been amazing.  My children…they’ve been amazing too.

Prayers:

*Pray that God will increase my appetite and strength.  I’ve lost 10 lbs since my treatment which is concerning to my nurse
*Pray that I will be guarded from discouragement as I battle
 
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God. ~Ps 42:5,6

But you, O Lord, are a shield about me,
my glory, and the lifter of my head. ~Ps 3:3

From a Sister’s Heart

On the drive down to Hilton Head a few weeks ago, I got one of the most special emails that I have ever received.  The email appeared in my inbox in a moment that was, shall we say, “less than calm”.  With three littles under five I’m sure you can imagine we have our fair share of those moments.

I got one line into this email,  as tears welled up in my eyes, and I knew I just had to wait.  These words felt too weighty to be read during a backseat squabble over whose turn it was to choose the next movie on the DVD.  

So, I saved it.  

Late one night, after the children were nestled in their beds, and Justin was watching something interesting on TV (which did NOT interest me ;)…I grabbed a tissue (smart), re-opened the email and started reading. 

My beautiful sister had written me the most beautiful words and prayers.  It was, I could tell, therapeutic for her, and writing was helping her to process the emotions of being so many miles away in Houston while finding out her sister has cancer.

She has agreed to allow me to share some of her beautifully transparent writing.  What I think you will find are emotions, thoughts and feelings that span beyond sickness; beyond sisters.  

I thank you for your continued prayers.  I’m still feeling weak and having a hard time tolerating food.  Please pray I regain my strength soon.  

I trust you will be blessed as I share these prayers “from a sister’s heart”.

You may want to grab a tissue.  (or maybe that’s just me!)

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Written by Liz Fisher:

4/26/2015

Two days ago was my ‘baby’s’ 2nd birthday.  I woke up agitated because I had to choose between and important work call and being with my son when he woke up on his birthday.  An hour later of trying to be half-present on the conference call and half-present for my baby’s birthday breakfast, I gave up and broke down.

Running to my closet (every woman’s safe haven – right?) I cried tears for the chaos of our lives, sweet moments with my children that have to be shared with a demanding career.  At that moment in time, my world felt like it was crumbling.

Four hours later, I was in tears again…Wishing that I was crying over morning chaos and stressful work situations.  This ‘crumble’ couldn’t be fixed by a cup of coffee or 10 minutes of closet cool-down time.

News from a loved one.  Cancer.  A word that has always been sad in concept, because that’s all it had been to me before.  Now this concept had taken residence in my best friend.  My sister.  A strong woman of God who was encouraging and comforting me while she told me about her tough journey ahead.  I didn’t – don’t – know how to mourn, what to mourn.  So for now I am mourning the fact that I am not there to fight this battle with her.  So all I can go to now is prayer.

Yesterday (4/25) my specific prayer was that your biggest source of anxiety become your biggest source of strength.  You shared that your biggest worry was how this would impact your children and your husband.  I can feel that being in the same crazy phase of life as you.  I prayed that the immeasurable love that your husband and children have for you will become an overwhelming source of strength and encouragement for you, and that you will see your children and husband (and sister!)  increasingly lean on the Lord for patience and perseverance.

I introduced Reagan to cancer Friday night.  She comforted me and reminded me that it was okay, God would heal Aunt Brookie.  I often think children are much wiser than many of their actions show.  As I sit confused over the right way to mourn, how to feel, what to say, my daughter reads, interprets, and simplifies what’s on my heart:  “Mommy, I wish Cancer was a Legend, because I don’t want it to be real.”  Me neither, Reagan.

Today (4/26) I prayed my specific daily prayer at the snack-table with my two sickies (Lainey and Max).  Before heading to church, Reagan (in one of her wise-beyond-her-years moments) said “Mommy it’s not fair that Lainey and Max will be better soon, and Brookie has to be sick for so much longer.”  That’s right, it’s not fair.  As we battle the longest stomach flu our home has ever seen, it’s still minimal compared to the long journey ahead for you.  So our snacktime prayer this morning was that God will heal you FAST and make this a SHORT journey.  I prayed that God would serve whatever His purpose is in this, but that He does it QUICKLY so the word cancer can be something to stow away in the past.

Weak, but thankful.

These past two days I have been confronted with physical weakness like never before.  Chemo is no joke!  I do not want to gloss over the difficult parts of this journey.

I never realized what a gift from God ENERGY is.

I’ve barely had the energy to lift my head in many moments, and simple things like going to the bathroom and eating breakfast make me have to go lie down again.  This is difficult for a high-energy, on the go person like me!

I knew I would lack energy, but I had no idea to what extent.  I could not even muster the strength to journal and hold my bible.  This makes me very sad because prayer journalling is how I process – it’s how I commune with God as I read His Word.

BUT, I’m thankful because today, Sunday morning, although I’m not at church with my family, I was able to read God’s Word on my iPhone bible app.  It’s easier to hold than my bible when weak and I can look with my head still on the pillow.  I’m praying through the Psalms and it’s been such a blessing so far to read each familiar Psalm with a fresh set of eyes.  When I can, I’d love to share some of my reflections with you.

I’m thankful because my sister came to visit me ALL the way from Houston, TX! She’s served me so well, making me cheese grits and going on a grocery store run.

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beautiful sister.

I’m thankful because I was able to make it to my parent’s house tonight and eat dinner. My aunt and grandmother were visiting from Wilmington, NC and I always love time with them.  I stayed on the couch most of the time because I’m just too weak to do much else.

I’m thankful because my children are the most nurturing, loving sweet things on this earth.  They love to cuddle me, sing me songs, and I even got a back rub from Samuel this morning.

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my little cuddle-bug Samuel

So many sweet friends remind me that I don’t always have to be “up”….I know this. I’m trying my best to see the many blessings that I am still enjoying that cancer will NOT steal from me!  Believe me, there have been many rough moments this past weekend, but overall, I’m thankful.

I’m mostly thankful for promises like this: “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT)

His grace abounds,

Brooke

Ripples of Grace

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Hi, friends.  I have been so encouraged to hear how the Lord has moved in others lives as a result of my cancer diagnosis.  We know that God is always doing a thousand things at any one time, and it is exciting to get the opportunity to see these ripples of grace.  I will occasionally share stories of how friends & family are seeing God’s hand as a result of my cancer diagnosis.  You can’t even imagine how it encourages my heart, to know that His good is overcoming this terrible cancer.   If you have a “ripple of grace” that you’d be open with me sharing here on the blog, please email me at :  bturnersc at gmail.com  with the subject “Ripple of Grace”.  Thank you!

This first “ripple of grace” is from my dear friend, Amanda. 

By Amanda Smith:

(Written May 8)

God is always working behind the curtain doing a million different things. We have no idea what he’s up to behind there but often he pulls back that curtain and allows us to take a glimpse of this beautiful tapestry he is so perfectly weaving together for the good of those who love him.

Today, he gave me a glimpse behind the curtain and I want to share it with you in hopes that this story help you become aware as God pulls back the curtain for you too.

I woke up today full of excitement to go to the hair salon to get my hair done. What girl doesn’t like to get her hair done? It’s always a good day to go to the salon. Today though was especially exciting because you see, a few days ago some girlfriends and I took our sweet friend Brooke, whom you all know, to get her hair cut short before she starts chemo next week. My girls and I decided that we wanted to show our support by cutting off our hair too. It was an amazing time full of laughs, ooohs and ahhhs, make up sessions and a few tears. The night was getting late and our precious friend Sarah who is beautiful and pregnant was getting tired. So I told her that I would come back in a couple of days and we could do my hair then. Of course we all wanted to have it done at the same time and have the picture of all of us with our final product that night but aren’t Gods plans always different than our plans? And His plans are WAY better! Despite me not getting my hair done on the same night, as you read in Brooke’s previous post, the hair party was a success and Brooke looks amazing! Can I get an Amen?!

So now you can see why this day in particular at the salon was more exciting to me than most. The morning started off rough. Mamas I am sure you can relate. I get up to get the kids ready for school, everything seems to go wrong and I pull an epic parenting fail by losing it with my kids. Just being real. Leaving the house feeling unlovable and defeated, I asked God and my daughter for forgiveness, moved on and tried to focus on the treat I had coming my way later in the morning. (this ties into the story I promise)

I arrive at the hair salon, nervous but excited. I’ve had long hair for years and cutting it short can always be a little scary but what better reason to do this than to support your bestie during this journey of breast cancer. Little did I know what God had in store for me and for three others for that matter.

I sat in the chair as my friend began doing my hair and as always in a salon chair, you start baring your soul to each other either because you know them really well or you think youll never see them again. (Sometimes I wonder about the many crazy stories a hair stylist hears)

We were talking pretty deep about our faith, our trust in God and the struggles and questions we sometimes have. In the middle of our conversation she says “Ill be right back, I have to get something from a client”. When she came back a few minutes later she says “My faith has been restored. In this moment right now my faith has been restored.” I had another friend with me and we looked at each other like what just happened out there. She didn’t elaborate and then changed the subject and said “Amanda I have a surprise for you.” At this point I am baffled and confused. First we are talking about faith struggles and then she says her faith has been restored and then she says I have a surprise for you. It didn’t make sense but I just rolled with it.

About an hour later when she was almost done with my hair I jokingly asked her where my surprise was thinking it was nothing. She still wouldn’t tell me. Finally after all was said and done she said “ok…Your surprise is that a lady came in here earlier and paid for your hair!” I’m looking at her in disbelief and then we just started laughing with a deep Joy that I could not explain. the confusion from earlier all started to make sense. She expalined to tell me that she has a lady that comes in once a year around Mother’s Day to bless a woman by paying for her hair. She does it because her mother had cancer and one of her favorite things to do was getting her hair done. The lady texted Sarah 30 minutes before I got there and said “I’m coming in today so to be thinking about who we want to bless today.”

When the anonymous (to me) lady came in, Sarah told her that she knew exactly who she wanted to give it to. She said to the lady “do you remember my friend Brooke who was diagnosed with breast cancer recently that I’ve been posting about on Facebook? Well her best friend is sitting in my chair right now getting her hair cut short in support of Brooke who came In to have her hair cut before her chemo.” The woman responded “That is God and that is perfect, that is who I want to bless today.” So $150 later I had a new haircut AND color because of this woman who wanted to bless someone in honor of her mother.

Now friends, ONLY GOD. Only God can put together a story like that and time it out that perfectly. On the ONE day a year that she does this for her mother who had cancer, I just “happen” to be sitting in the chair because of best friend with cancer. Words cannot properly express the overwhelming gratitude I have for this woman but also for God and the glimpses of grace He is giving not only Brooke but all of those around her.

My friends faith was restored right then because she saw God in the flesh through this woman who God tied into this story. I was blessed because I didn’t have to pay for my hair but more importantly because God was relentless in showing me that no matter what kind of person I was earlier that morning, HE STILL LOVES ME and will go out of his way to show me. The lady who paid was blessed because today she wasn’t just paying for a haircut but she knew that she was part of the bigger story.  And last but certainly not least Brooke was blessed because she saw once again that God is in this! He is in Every. Single. Detail. of our lives.  And that my friends is the God we serve. He does immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine. He takes the smallest details and puts them togther to make a beautiful tapestry. I know I will never forget this day and how God showed his steadfast love to myself, Sarah, the kind lady and Brooke. To God be the glory!

First Chemo Treatment- A great day!

Today marked my first step in a journey to completely remove this terrible cancer from my body!

It was a truly amazing day, full of many gifts from God.  Your texts, facebook messages, and emails encouraged me throughout the day!

I will likely write another post with more details (with the purpose of remembering, or helping someone else facing cancer in the future).

For now, I wanted to share a quick update to all of you prayer warriors.

My infusions take place at Lexington Medical Center.  I was there from 8am – 4pm today. They have it set up SO comfortably in there.  After getting my weight and vitals, they escorted me over to my nurses’s section.  My nurse for my chemo will remain the same.  Her name in Myra and I already love her.  The chairs recline back, they provide you with all sorts of goodies.  Really, it was a little like a vacation, being waited on hand and foot 🙂  (Probably wouldn’t have CHOSEN this vacation destination!)

Glimmers of Grace from today:

-My sweet high school girls that I disciple gave me this PRECIOUS angel bracelet.  They said they were my angels and would be with me through this journey.  I marvel at the strength of their faith as 9th and 10th graders.  It’s evidence of the LORD’s work, and Jason & Julie’s amazing investment in their lives through NEPC Student Ministries!!  I love you Amanda, Amelia, Mary Catharine, Caroline, Kimberly and Emily!  I had my “angels” with me today!

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-The song we heard when we first turned to K-LOVE this morning on the radio was “Glorious Unfolding” which is one of my very favorite songs for this cancer journey

-They accessed my port with NO PAIN.  It has been very sore and I was nervous about getting it accessed.

-My friend Renee who took time off of work to sit with me for the entire day, explaining technical terms and filling in the gaps.  Renee has been an oncology nurse since we graduated from Clemson way back in 2002!  Oh we had some fun times reminiscing about Clemson days, fun trips we’ve taken and our post-college days living in Atlanta.  Lots of laughs and fun.  I love this girl and wish I could see her more frequently.  We always pick right back where we left off.

with Renee

Two other friends stopped by, and Heather brought Zoes for lunch! 🙂 yay!

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with Heather; sweet college friend

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Becky works at Lexington Medical center, so she dropped by too!

-I got calendars of all my infusions  all the way to September!!  I’m a planner, and this made my heart happy!

-I LOVE my nurse, Myra!  She reminds me so much of a precious Focus Bible Study leader, Maggie McKenna.  I mean down to the appearance, the mannerisms, the haircut, the “spunkiness” (for those that love Maggie you’ll know what I mean).  Maggie is also a nurse and I love her so much.  It was kind of like having Maggie with me all day today too.

-PRAISE – I didn’t have any of the “anti histamine” (I may be using the wrong word) reactions that two of the medications can cause during the infusion.  I didn’t have much discomfort during the infusion. It was a little strange but I’ll share more details in my more detailed post.

-love my “earthly ” ROCK!! This man is a continual glimmer of grace in my life.  I LOVE HIM!!

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Prayers:

-My most significant prayer is that God would be glorified through cancer. Pray that people might come to love Jesus for the fist time, or grow in a deeper relationship with Him.   I don’t want to squander one minute of this trial that the Lord has entrusted me to walk through

-At the same time, I want to be vulnerable and real, and walk this journey with authenticity! I don’t want to be on a pedestal but want to point to Christ alone.  It is my prayer that through my WEAKNESS He is made strong, and I want to share the most difficult days with you, my friends.  For example, Monday all day and Tuesday up until lunch were VERY hard days for me as I momentarily took my eyes off of Jesus, like Peter…began to sink, yet my eyes refocused on Christ in a special way on Tuesday at lunch. I can’t wait to share that with you in another post.

-Pray for God’s PERFECT healing in my life!

-Pray for me over Friday, Saturday, Sunday….what can be anticipated as my “down days”

-Pray that God would help me find a cute wig on Monday, as I meet with the ladies at “Becky’s Place”

-Continue to pray for Justin – God’s perfect sustaining grace over Him, as he continues to serve and love me so well.  Pray I’m a blessing to him through sickness

-Pray for my precious children.  They know of my sickness and are processing it in their own individual ways.  Pray especially for my Hannah (my three year old).  She’s in a somewhat difficult stage and we are trying to maintain consistency in our parenting.  You Mama’s of three year olds know exactly what I mean!!! (or many of you remember!)

edited to add: how could I forget to mention Pastor Walter’s visit! Unfortunately we did not get a photo. We shared a sweet prayer time and the visit was very encouraging!  Thanks Eric!

His Grace Abounds!

Brooke

 

All of my Life, in Every Season {Part 2}

Today I continue my series on “All of my life, in every season”.  On the eve of my very first chemo treatment for breast cancer,  I’m reflecting back on another desert season the Lord walked with me through:  infertility.   God was with me through infertility, just as He’s with me through cancer.  Chemo is from 8 am – 4pm tomorrow, and I’m excited for this first step to God’s PERFECT healing! His grace abounds…in EVERY season!  

Thank you for your prayers, love, support, messages, and comments. I read each one and they each encourage me in a special way in just the perfect time that I need an uplifting word.  THANK YOU…thank you for journeying with me. 

click here to read Part 1

Part 2:

I’d always heard that it’s darkest just before the dawn.  My darkest days of infertility were during the summer of 2009.

I was having tough talks to the Lord about what life would look like if having children was not in His story for me.   At that time two of my very best friends were pregnant.  As they prepared and planned to bring home their babies, I planned their baby showers.  As my dearest friends prepared their heart to mother, The Lord was preparing my own heart to surrender completely that I may never get the chance to biologically mother. 

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That summer we vacationed in Hilton Head with my family.  My quiet times on the beach that week in June have been the most amazing times of communion with God I’ve ever experienced.  I was in the middle a hard wrestle of full heart surrender and that was such a difficult place to be.  I was starting to fully release my future to the Lord, and God met me morning by morning as I took my coffee, bible and journal and sat on the sand, in awe of His creation as I watched the sunrise.

One afternoon, as I sat side by side with my sister in lounge chairs, toes in the sand, we shared the sweet conversation that only sister friends can share.  We are close in age but closer in heart and how I was so cherishing that time with her.  Just as we were about to pack up for the day, she lingered, and then hesitantly shared the news that she was unexpectedly pregnant.  That week, a confusing combination of joy and heartache stirred inside. Surely the Lord was meeting me in those days, but no doubt the days were hard and I had to walk through conflicting emotions.

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with my sister, Liz (she will always be “Elizabeth” to me)

I want to be REAL with you and not gloss over this hard. I wrote in my journal:

while sitting on the beach with my sister, she shared with me that she and Jon are expecting.  It was and still is definitely a shock.  I have so many thoughts, feelings and emotions flooding my soul.  feelings of joy and blessing for them,  mixed with the wonder of “Lord, why not us?”

Psalm 40:1 says “I waited patiently for the Lord. He inclined to me and heard my cry.  He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock making my steps secure.  He put a NEW SONG in my mouth. A song of praise to our God” 

Lord, this is my prayer! Put a new song in my mouth! Remove all songs of bitterness and disappointment…remove and destroy the song of sadness Lord, and put a NEW SONG…a song of your  hope, faithfulness and grace….so that “many will see and fear and put their trust in you, Lord.

Psalm 30:11 says “you have turned for me my mourning into dancing , you have clothed me with gladness.”  Lord I pray that even in this time of waiting that THIS song of gladness would be on my lips.  Lord I don’t have to be a mother to be clothed with your gladness!  I want to be genuinely happy for my sister, but I feel as though these days are the darkest yet for me.

Lord YOU have to put this joy in my heart. Lord change me from the inside out!  Lord as I write, your sunrise is speaking so much to me.  A beautiful glorious sunrise behind the clouds….the skies dark above me, but the sun is ever present – far behind the dark clouds. . This reminds me of your faithfulness, that every day you are the same no matter what is going on in my circumstances, no matter what dark clouds are covering my days. Praise you Lord!” 

This was the start of a remarkable shift the Lord performed in my heart.  Through that week on the beach, God began to impress upon me the importance of hope, and more importantly hope rightly placed.

“Desert Song”, by Hillsong became my infertility anthem.  Each verse of the song is a prayer for a specific type of trial we might encounter as we journey, a prayer for the desert, the battle, and the fire. These words of this song resonated so deeply within me, as I felt elements of the desert, fire and battle during the heartache of the waiting season. And finally, the last verse says “This is my prayer in the HARVEST, when favor and providence flow….I know I’m filled to be emptied again, this seed I receive I will sow”

I would exuberantly sing that last verse about the harvest season as I awaited my own season of harvest.  I mistakenly understood MY harvest season to mean bringing home a baby.  Finally becoming a mother.    

All the while, I was trying to reconcile the fact that there was no guarantee that I ever would get pregnant.   Romans 5:5 says that “hope will not disappoint us”.  I read this in scripture,  but month by month I felt the sting of disappointment when yet again, there was that one, lonely line on the home pregnancy test.  As I journalled, after some time God started doing major and much needed heart surgery inside of me, and eventually revealed to me that my hope was misplaced. I finally recognized that I couldn’t put my hope in the harvest of my desires, but my hope has to be in Christ alone.  Finally I understood Romans 5:5 – hope would never disappoint, as long as my hope was rightly placed.  

2 Cor 4:16 came alive to me. It reads :  “So we do not lose heart.  Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day”  Outwardly my circumstances were seemingly wasting away, but INWARDLY I was being renewed day by day.    My hope shifted from hoping for a baby to hoping and BELIEVING that God’s plan for my life was better than I could ever ask for or imagine! (Baby or no baby!)  Ephesians 3:20 in the message translation says:  “God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.”

I started to understand that even if His story for my life did not include for me to bear biological children, that His ways were better and higher than my ways, even though I could not understand.

But what did that mean practically? For me, it looked like daily coming to the Lord, lots of journalling, being real with Him and myself about the true desires of my heart. BUT coming to  Him with palms open, as an act of sacrifice and worship.  When my heart was aching, I would cling to His promises. Such as  Psalm 103: “Praise the Lord O my soul, praise the Lord and forget not his benefits- who satisfies your desires with GOOD things” and Romans 8:28 “All things work together for good for those who love God”. 

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The Lord had to bring me to the place where I trusted in His sovereignty and His goodness, and that it is possible to  have joy and fulfillment in Him ALONE, no matter what happens in my circumstances. If His answer to my prayers was NO, that He had a better YES.  This is not a place that I believe any of us can persuade ourselves into being – it has got to be a shift of heart from the Lord.

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God spoke – Hope not in the harvest, but hope in Him alone. 

Consider this, friends…. what “harvest”, other than Christ Himself, are you putting your Hope in today?  Allow the promises in God’s word to wash over you and remind you that Christ in Enough for your today.  In His presence there is fullness of JOY! 🙂

CLICK HERE to listen to “Desert Song”

All of my Life, in Every Season {Part 1}

This blog is primarily about my journey through breast cancer, but today on Mother’s Day, I feel led to share another difficult season that the Lord brought us through:  infertility.  I will share several posts about our season of infertility and what God taught me during our time in the waiting room.  I believe even then, the Lord was preparing my heart and fortifying my faith to enable me to face cancer with Joy.  In His grace..it’s all His grace.   I pray this will encourage someone who’s in a waiting room of any kind…. infertility, singleness, or waiting to be healed.  His grace abounds….in every season.    I appreciate your prayers as I approach my first chemo treatment this Wednesday. 

Copyright Becky Williamson Photography WEBSITE:www.beckywilliamsonphotography.com EMAIL:beckywilliamsonphotography@gmail.com

Ephesians 3:20…many years I wondered if I would ever have ONE child; let alone THREE!

My personal journey in the Lord began years ago, as I sensed God pursuing my heart, although for many of those years my feet were stuck. Stuck in the quicksand of my pride, fears, and lies of the enemy, For years I chose to stand still although I sensed the Lord’s pursuit.  In December of 2006 I fully surrendered my life to Jesus and made my first decided footstep along the journey to follow Him with heart abandoned. I’m so thankful for God’s pursuit. That He didn’t give up on me.

Within my relatively short journey of faith, with this beautiful destination of Jesus always ahead, the Lord has graciously allowed for circumstances to NOT always be perfectly beautiful and sunny.  Did you know that the trials are actually His grace?  How can I say that? Keep reading, you’ll understand….

For three years, God took me through a season of infertility-a time of unfulfilled longing and heartache. I deeply desired a child, but my arms remained empty.  During that season, I often felt like I was in a waiting room – watching as everyone around me was called back, their life was moving on, mine was STUCK. When it would be MY turn? After a couple of years of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant, multiple tests and month after month after month of disappointment, we were given a very slim chance of ever conceiving on our own. My husband and I were urged by physicians to seek fertility treatments. We did not move forward with this lightly…we prayed and sought the Lord, and after 8 months we moved forward with the treatments in peace and faith.

In November of 2009, we got the best news– finally, after all of the waiting I was pregnant! A few weeks later at my first ultrasound, there was not one baby, but two! TWINS! A double portion! Scribbled verses of “Great is Thy Faithfulness were all over my prayer journal pages from those days.

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Psalm 30:11 reads “You have turned my mourning into dancing and clothed me with gladness”. Oh how I sat in the joy of that news for months. And life continued, as it does….my season shifted from the wondering and waiting of infertility, to a twin pregnancy, where my belly got bigger than I ever thought possible; morning sickness, doctor’s appointments, baby showers and planning a double nursery.

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In June of 2010, we joyfully welcomed 4 pound premature miracle blessings that we named Samuel & Selah. There was another season shift; from pregnancy and anticipation, to the new season of life with twin babies at home-sleepless nights (times two), endless feedings, and sitting in the joy that I was finally..finally a mother.

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As you can imagine, life with two little ones was quite full, and there was never a dull moment. Just before Samuel & Selah’s first birthday, just as my husband and I were just about to take a deep breath, give each other a high five that “we made it!” “we survived our first year with twins!”, we got the surprise of our lives!…we were pregnant… again! And this time totally unexpectedly! I never thought we’d be the couple to have a surprise pregnancy , this wasn’t “supposed” to be possible!

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I was about 4 weeks pregnant here, as we celebrated Samuel & Selah’s 1st birthday. And I was TERRIFIED!!

After the shock wore off, our season shifted back…..back into pregnancy, this time struggling through morning sickness while changing diapers, teaching my twin toddlers to be gentle with mommy’s expanding belly, and a whole lot of laying down my fears and anxiety to the Lord.

My days were already daunting with one year old twins, and adding another baby to the mix, I just knew it was going to HAVE to be the Lord in me to manage the blessing of three little ones so close together. Three babies within 19 months?!   It was an unlikely combination of overwhelming gratitude, and an absolute knowledge that I COULD NOT do this on my own.

We welcomed our third child, Hannah into our family in February of 2012. Her name means “God’s favor” and she is a constant reminder that God so often pours out His favor when we least expect it. The Lord ushered in a new season; the beautiful chaos of life with three little ones at home.

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The seemingly long season of infertility seems to be just a thing of the past. Great is Your faithfulness LORD! In His grace and abundance, God answered my prayers. Psalm 113:9 says “He gives the childless woman a family , making her a happy mother”.

But the story doesn’t always end this way does it?

What if I was still in the waiting room, still waiting for a baby? He is still faithful. It took me a long time to understand this, and it was during my years in the waiting room season that God changed my perspective on what it means for God to be faithful.

God is faithful not because of what He DOES, but because of WHO He is.

The Lord has written such a story of redemption in our family — taking me, an infertile woman and making me the joyful mother of three…THREE children. However, I believe the greater story is the invisible FAITH work that He did in my heart. For three years it seemed like my life was on pause. But during this time, I was still journeying forward inwardly, in my faith walk..as the Lord used this time to wash His truth over me and plant it deeply in my heart.

The time of waiting held so much significance, because it forced me to BE STILL.

I needed to be still to be teachable. I am an on-the-go person. My entire life, I’ve always moved from one season to the next, then to the next, multi tasking as I go, looking ahead, anticipating the next stage while planning and preparing for it, all while trying to be the best I can be at the stage I’m currently in. For the first time in my life, the Lord pulled up the emergency break, sat down with me, and after a long long time of wrestling with Him, I finally surrendered to the wait.

The visual analogy changed from a cold, sterile waiting room that I could not WAIT to get out of… to the beautiful image of sitting at the feet of Jesus, with Him teaching me, comforting me, covering me with His truth and promises. He had to STILL me to TEACH me. To get these truths so deeply planted in my heart that when life “picked back up again” they would not be snatched up and forgotten by life in quickly changing seasons.

You’ve just heard my infertility story, which has a happy ending…but woven into the years during that season,, there were moments of heartache even during the sweet communion with Jesus. Journey back with me, to the very middle of my time in the desert season, when my heart was still very tender and raw.

From the spring of 2009 I wrote:

“”Another month, another negative test. I am sad and confused. I was so hopeful this month. I’m just devastated. The more I hope, the more I am crushed when the test reads negative. But Lord, I trust you are still in control, as hard as that is to understand right now. You are still good. It seems like we have been in this season of waiting for so long. Oh Lord will it ever end? Will we EVER get pregnant? Oh how I ache for a child.” I know that you are good, but Lord, my arms have been painfully empty for an eternity it seems.

During my time at His feet, the Lord impressed on me the importance of chronicling the journey. If this life of faith is a sacred pilgrimage, isn’t it worth recording? These journals were and still are such a blessing to me.

They are a physical representation of our desert season of infertility. I would journal scriptures, prayers, and there were many times when I would put headphones on, listen to worship music, cry and just pour our my heart to God. I used my prayer journals to get real with God, and get real with myself. I needed to have a place to feel completely vulnerable before myself and God. As I would write, the Lord would rein in my emotions and would always lead me to just the right scripture to remind and reveal who He was.

Not only was journalling therapeutic, but even now it helps me to REMEMBER. All throughout scripture, we are told about the importance of remembering what God has done in the past, to help us have faith for the future. And it’s not only for us, but for our legacy.

I remember having an especially sweet quiet time on the beach in Hilton Head in the summer of 2009 when the Lord led me straight to Psalm 78. Psalm 78:4-7 says “ but tell the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might, and the wonders he has done. He established a testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers to teach their children, so that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, so that they should set their hope in God and not forget the works of God.”

The Lord speaks to me: record so you can REMEMBER. If this pilgrimage under heaven is sacred, isn’t it worth remembering? I can say without a doubt, NOTHING bolsters my faith in Him (other than Scripture itself) quite like flipping through the journals of days past. As I journey along, it’s not hard to remember the big moves of God – but His glory is evident in the small things of life as well, if we only look for it.  I don’t want to forget those. I want to recount bit by bit His glory to all who will listen – and especially my children – so they “should set their hope in God.”

Although when I first was led to this scripture, I had no children of my own yet. But I knew that even if I never was blessed with a pregnancy, that I could spiritually mother so many children…and even then the Lord could use my chronicled journey to tell of the awesome things that God had done – most importantly the faith work that He did in my heart.

check back for part 2 of “All of my Life, in Every Season”

 

One gracious blessing after another!

“From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another.”  John 1:16 (NLT)

To be completely raw and honest, one of the most difficult parts of this journey for me to anticipate is the hair loss.  I fear not being attractive to my husband.  I fear losing my femininity (especially considering a likely mastectomy in the future also).  I fear the looks and stares as hair loss just screams “CANCER” anywhere I go.  It will be a constant reminder of my sickness each time I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  When I think of this part of the journey to come, my eyes fill with tears  (as they are now even as I’m typing this).   I KNOW in my head that hair is no big deal. It’s just hair for goodness sakes!  But in my heart it still feels like a big deal.  I want to be honest and share the hard parts of this journey with you all as well.

I’ve talked with the Lord a lot about this heart struggle with my hair.  And, as He does, He gently meets me where I am and reminds me that He’s in this part of the journey, too.  So often when I encounter something hard, I just want Him to take it away; remove it from me.  But more times than not, instead of navigating me AROUND the Hard, God lavishes His grace, and carries me THROUGH the hard.  It’s not the easier way, but it’s the sweeter way.  As I go through the hard I can experience His grace and provision.  He draws me nearer to Himself and there is more depth to my heart-understanding of who God is.

That brings me to how I’ve seen His grace abound this week.

I wanted to get one last family photo session with my long hair, since it will be a very long while before my hair is this long again.  My very special friend Sarah Cain came over to do my hair and makeup.  She said she just wanted me to feel beautiful.  And my friend Becky Williamson came down from Fort Mill to photograph our family.  We took pictures in and around our home and neighborhood, and we had lots of laughs  (and maybe a tantrum or two from a certain tired three year old!) 🙂  I am so excited to see the pictures!

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Another fun part of the week was on Wednesday when my friends hosted a “hair party” for me!  When facing hair loss, it is best to cut your hair short prior to starting chemo.  I knew this would be a hard day for me, not necessarily because of the hair cut, but because of what the hair cut represented: the first step on the way to losing all of my hair.  My sweet friends wanted to turn it into a celebration of friendship, and my friends Amanda, Stefini and Brooke even decided to get their hair cut too to support me.  Seriously, I’m blown away by their love.

Sarah was an absolute blessing because she stayed late and cut all of our hair! AND she’s very pregnant, and I’m sure was extrememly tired after working all day, but so graciously stayed till 9:30 cutting our hair. We got Zoe’s to eat (my favorite) and we shared lots of laughter.  It was a night I will always remember.

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the ‘before’ shot – with our long hair

I’m just in awe of how God weaves our stories with one another.  I met Sarah about eight months ago through a “Divine Appointment”.  I shared a testimony at Focus about my “divine appointment at a hair appointment”.  I could do a whole entire post on this girl and how our lives have been intertwined in just 8 short months!

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the “after” with dear friend Sarah (due end of June!)

I have to give a huge THANK YOU to this dear friend, Amanda.  We met 11 years ago through Maria Owens who set up a “friend date”.   I walked with her through a dark valley of suffering in 2014.  It was a joy for me to encourage her and be a first hand witness to God’s grace through trial.  In God’s perfect plan, much healing in her life has taken place, and now she is strong and ready to help ME fight with joy!  Amanda loves fierce and loyal, and I could write for days on all that she means to me.  She’s taking the lead on my care team, so if you offer to help our family (which is so appreciated!) I will be sending you to her! I love you Amanda!

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last shot of “Sweet & Spicy” before our hair cuts (that’s what we call ourselves)

And last but CERTAINLY not least, another glimmer of grace in this journey is that I have gotten to talk with my sister more! The Lord took her family to Houston at the end of last year, so it’s been difficult to be away from her during this time.  But, God’s love and a sister’s love spans beyond miles.  God laid it on my heart this week to begin praying and journalling through the Psalms as I go through treatments.  There are 150 Psalms, so with doing one a day that will get me right around the time my treatments will be over.  I asked my sister and we are doing this together, which is so exciting to me because we’ve never been able to be in a bible study together.  But now through texting and phone calls we can share time together in God’s word!  What a blessing!

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sisters with babies….2010

Can’t you SEE all the glimmers of grace! His grace abounds!  I could write so many more, from the gifts, to the meals, to the CUPCAKES (yum) to the times of prayer to the sweet family times.  His grace abounds.

 

Update:

All went well with the echocardiogram, the results won’t be available for 3 days but I have no reason to believe that there is anything of concern.  This was just to get a baseline on my heart function before starting chemo.

My port surgery was this morning (Thursday 5/7).  Dr. Tucker inserted a port on the left side of my chest.  Everything went well and there have been no complications!  The pain has been a little more than I expected but I’m staying on top of it with pain meds.  My parents graciously offered to watch the children overnight tonight so I can recover.  I miss them!

My first chemo treatment will be next WEDNESDAY, 5/12 at 8am.  It will likely last until 4pm.  They wanted me to come in on Tuesday, but Samuel & Selah’s preschool graduation is that day, and no way I’m missing that!

Amazing Weekend. Full Week.

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We had an amazing weekend, thanks to Mary Ann and Alex Herrera in Hilton Head!!

The children had an absolute blast.  It was precious.  From our “Hilton Head cheer” as we got off the interstate, to playing in each of the FOUR pools (one with a waterslide!), to early morning walks on the beach in our PJs, to collecting shells  (Selah is the MASTER shell collector!), to eating at Salty Dog, eating Ice Cream at Coligny, shopping, Sea Pines playground, playing “makeup party” with the girls, throwing the frisbee with Samuel…..much laughter and joy!  Beyond grateful.

Then I returned home for a precious time with the women at NEPC who surrounded me in prayer.  They even coordinated a meal for our family which was needed considering we had just returned to town one hour before our prayer time.

Update on this week:

I met with Dr. Tucker this morning.

Wednesday morning, May 6 I’ll go in for my echocardiogram to get a baseline on my heart function. Thursday, May 7 (our ten year wedding anniversary) at 8:40am  I’m having surgery to get my port put in.  (The port is basically an “easy access” point for my chemo.)  My first treatment will likely be on Monday, but I’m waiting for the nurse to confirm the time.

Words are inadquate to express my gratitude for each and every one of you who has chosen to walk this journey with me.   The Lord has called me to take this journey publically, and I pray that this blog will serve as an encouragement and support for those who are going through breast cancer, or any other trial. I do not want to draw attention to my story, but rather let’s all focus on God’s story, and how His PEACE, JOY, and LOVE is bigger than the dreaded “C-word”: cancer.  Jesus said in John 16:33: “In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”  I want my blog (and my life) to point to Christ, who offers HOPE through the hard.    

Thank you so much to each of you who have sent me facebook messages, commented here, and sent me texts or emails. I have read each and every message.   God is so good, and His love is felt through each of you.  We’ve never felt so loved and supported.

I’m working on getting the funcionality to “subscribe” to the blog and hope to have that up and running soon so you automatically get the posts  in your inbox.

His grace abounds,

Brooke

 

 

Hilton Head bound!

Our God is so amazing and provides for not only our needs, but our desires!  Justin and I really wanted to take the children to Hilton Head this weekend before my treatments begin.  Hilton Head is “our beach” and where our family vacations.  We searched and searched on the internet on Wednesday night to book a hotel, and everything was sold out.  We started considering other beaches but I really wanted to go to Hilton Head specifically because our family has made so many wonderful memories there.  We went to bed Wednesday night, deciding to hold off on booking anything just in case at my appointment on Thursday they told me that I needed to come in to get my port on Friday.

Thursday morning as I woke up, I received a text from a friend, who had connected with another precious lady who is connected with NEPC Focus bible study.  She and her husband GRACIOUSLY offered us a place to stay in Hilton Head for the weekend at no cost…..we would have been so happy to pay any amount but it was her gift to us.  What a BLESSING!!

So now, we’re packing up, and team Turner is HILTON HEAD BOUND in a few hours!!!  We will be completely disconnecting, phones off – so we can press in and be fully present with the family.

“You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living thing.” Psalm 145:16

Treatment Update:
Next Monday I have an appointment with the surgeon (Dr. Lynn Tucker) to discuss surgery to insert the port.  I will have an echocardiogram to get a baseline on my heart function.  Next week after the port surgery and echo cardiogram, I will start my first round of chemo.  All of these will take place this coming week- I’m not sure yet of the exact day of each of these but I will keep this blog updated (or have a friend post when I’m unable to).    I truly appreciate your prayers!

 

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Hilton Head, last year -Summer 2014. One of my most precious memories.