Archives for June 2015

Take Heart

June 22, 2015 by Brooke ·

There is no doubt that there is evil in this world. We were reminded of that this past week as 9 innocent people were murdered in their church, Emmanuel AME in Charleston, an hour after welcoming a stranger into their time of bible study.

Evil should not surprise us. Even Jesus said in John 16:33 “In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

This cancer in my body is a form of evil. God did not orchestrate the horrific tragedy in Charleston, rather He did allow it; and similarly I believe that He did not cause this cancer to exist in my body but He did allow it.

God is both GOOD, and SOVEREIGN in ALL things. We will never see ALL the good that comes out of our suffering (only God can see the whole picture) but in His grace many times He does allow us to see some of the good!

In my last post I shared about how God has been underlining the truth that my only hope; my only ROCK in this world is Jesus. He’s the only guarantee and He is the only One who is incapable of disappointing us!

As I’ve been processing the news of the church shooting, and continuing to process my own cancer I’ve really been thinking a lot on these words. What does it mean for my only hope to be in Jesus? What does that look like, and how does it flesh out? I don’t want those just to be words that easily roll off my tongue as they have in the past.

One of the beautiful treasures of walking through cancer has been that I’ve had to wrestle with some truths that I *thought* I understood about God….even truths I have taught large groups of women! The Lord is allowing me this precious opportunity to put flesh on these truths.

So back to John 16:33 “In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

My hope can be in Jesus alone because He has overcome the world. He has overcome every tribulation, trial, suffering, injustice, and evil that has taken place and will ever take place.

As I go through this life – the good and the hard – His promises are there for me to cling to with all my might!

Promises like this:

He will never leave me or forsake me. He will provide all I need, all the time, according to the riches in Christ Jesus. He is preparing a place for me in heaven. Nothing can separate me from His love. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. By grace, through faith I have been saved from my sin and eternal separation from God. I am His masterpiece created to do works He ordained before the beginning of the world! He numbers my hairs (whether many or few) and has numbered and written my days. He can give peace, not as the world gives but peace that passes all understanding. He turns ashes into beauty, and makes ALL things work together for good. (just a sampling of the promises found in scripture….so many many more!)

NOTHING, no shooting, no disease, NO evil that is in this world can take these promises (and many many more!) away from those of us who trust in Jesus as our Lord! This is how we can overcome, through Jesus overcoming!

This is how we can “take heart”. This phrase “take heart” in John 16:33 is translated in the King James Version as “be of good cheer”. In the original language it comes from the root word meaning COURAGE or CONFIDENCE.

We can have courage and confidence to face all tribulation because Jesus has overcome. And through Him, and fellowship with Him, we can too.

This is what it means to me that Jesus is my ONLY Hope. His promises I can cling tightly to, and know without a doubt they will not slip through my fingers.

This is how I can take heart. And you can too. Today, whatever you could be going through take heart and remember Jesus has overcome.

credit: inspiringpretty.com

Prayer requests:

-my next “big chemo” is this Wednesday, 6/24. pray for peace as I approach this day! (this is Chemo #3 of 6, so after this I’ll be half way through with this part of my journey!)

-pray that taxotere does not cause another allergic reaction as it did with round 2

-Pray for minimal side effects and boldly praying that they are shorter lived this time! Specifically pray that I can manage my nausea better this time and I am able to eat

-Continue to pray that God would get all the glory from this cancer and what satan meant for evil, God will use for good in whatever ways He pleases! Pray He uses this so that I may know Him more intimately

-Praise for my “village” (all of you included) who shower me with love, support, cards daily in my mailbox and just the words of encouragement I need straight from the Lord!! No act of love goes unappreciated!!

-Praise for the “good days” I’ve had (like today)! Celebrating spending the day with my children and feeling like a “normal mom” taking them to VBS and meeting friends at the pool.

I’m so grateful for you!

Filed Under: His Grace Abounds - Original Blog · Tagged With: Breast Cancer, Ministry

middle of the marathon

June 17, 2015 by Brooke ·

Children are so honest.

A couple of mornings ago, my five year old daughter, Selah, shared that she had a dream with me in it, but it was the “regular Mommy” who was in the dream with her. She then shared, in her matter-of-fact way, that when she woke up she was happy because it was “regular Mommy” in the dream.

“Regular Mommy” is what Selah calls pre-cancer Mommy. Mommy with hair. Mommy with energy. Healthy Mommy.

And now, as I remember this, tears fill my eyes because I, too, wish “regular Mommy” was back.

Right now, I’m in the “feeling good” part of my cycle. My days are filled with pretty normal things. Errands. Grocery shopping. Pool days with friends. Other than having less stamina and my head covering on, the outside life could seem pretty normal.

I pray these days feel normal for my children because life surely isn’t normal during the ten days after chemo when I’m homebound and in bed. I’m trying my hardest to make these days as carefree and fun as possible. And I’m trying my hardest to forget, even if for a few minutes, about the black cloud of cancer.

But of course I can’t forget. All it takes is a glance in the mirror to remind me that I’m sick. That I’m in the middle, well not even quite the middle yet; of a LONG journey back to “regular Mommy”.

I was sharing with Justin last night, and after he lovingly listened to how I’ve been struggling he made the perfect analogy to the way I’ve been feeling.

He said it’s like I’m in the middle of a marathon.

I remember running the Country Music Half Marathon with my sister last April. It’s a huge race. There was so much energy at the starting line, as thousands of runners lined up to start the race in waves. I was so pumped up and just ready to DO IT! We’d been training for months and I couldn’t wait to start running.

So then we started running, and the first few miles were so easy! The momentum from the starting line carried us through and we felt really great. Then came mile six. and seven. and eight. Whoa.

By that time of day, the sun was beating down on us, and the course had us running down a less-than-scenic part of town with NO shade. And it was hilly. Rolling hill after rolling hill, after rolling hill. And the daunting part was that as we ran ahead, we could see the runners off in the distance running up and down the hills, which seemed endless. As we were huffing and puffing up one hill, just one glance ahead reminded us that it wasn’t going to get any easier any time soon. We pushed through, and finally had the joy and energy of the finish line!

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at the Country Music Half Marathon, April 2014

That’s exactly how I feel at this point in my journey. The middle of the marathon is so often the hardest part.

Right after my diagnosis, in the beginning of my journey I was all: “Let’s DO THIS!” “I’ve SO got this!” “I’m ready to kick cancer in the teeth!” There was a lot of energy and momentum as the fighter warrior came out in me.

But now, those first few miles are behind me, and all I see are hills ahead.

Hill after hill, after hill. The reality that this is my “new normal” is setting in.

I now have no idealistic notions about how it won’t be “that hard”. I KNOW the reality of what it’s like. And I still have four more chemo treatments. Then surgery. Then radiation. Then more herceptin infusions.

At best, “regular Mommy” will return about a year after that one phone call took her away.

My hope, joy, and peace? It’s not in regular Mommy returning. It can’t be! If that’s where I put all of my hope, joy, and peace, what would happen if something unexpected happened? What would happen if the cancer came back, or didn’t respond to chemo, or any number of devastating possibilities that happen to cancer patients every day.

The Lord is teaching me, as I process this part of the journey, that my hope, joy, and peace has to be in JESUS ALONE. There have been days that as I lay in bed, feeling terrible, that I envision a year from today feeling healthy and good, and back to normal. Putting this cancer nightmare behind me and never looking back. I can easily get into the midset that THAT’s what I have to look forward to….and I just need to “get through this”.

But I can’t stay there.

My hope, joy, and peace – the ROCK under my feet has to be on something more solid than the sinking sand of “kicking cancer in the teeth”. “On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand”.

Jesus, the unchanging One. The One who wrote every day of mine before it was even lived. The One through whose loving fingertips has EVERY circumstance in my life been filtered. The Lord gently reminds me that He’s in this tough part of the journey with me. Even on the days I don’t FEEL His presence, part of faith is knowing and believing with everything I have that He IS with me. He’s was in the energetic start, He will be at the glorious finish, but most importantly He’s in the difficult middle of this cancer race.

Jesus-He’s my ROCK and my running buddy….up and down the cancer hills. The middle matters, and I’m thankful I don’t run alone.

Filed Under: His Grace Abounds - Original Blog · Tagged With: Breast Cancer

From a Sister’s Heart {edition 2}

June 10, 2015 by Brooke ·

I miss her already. Somehow, by the grace of God and a really supportive husband (thanks Jon-boy!), Elizabeth arranged to return again from Houston to be here for me during the side-effects of my second chemo, and to help around the house and with the kids. I’m so grateful for the time we shared, despite the circumstances. She is amazing and I will always cherish these days in my heart. My kids absolutely LOVED their time with “silly Aunt Bea” (long explanation behind the name ;); it warmed my heart to see their relationship grow even deeper. We did have some fun and laughs too! We even had a facial night. I am so thankful for my sister! I’m posting (with permission) her next “Prayer from a sister’s heart” because I’m celebrating the sweet bond we share, that spans far beyond miles! Love you sis!!

Team Turner loves Aunt Bea!!!!

Click here to read the first edition of “From a Sister’s Heart”

written by Liz Fisher

4/27/15

Today is Monday and I have work on the brain. After a long, tough weekend, the mundane routine of work was almost welcome. Mundane Monday. So my specific thoughts and prayers today have been about work. I struggle daily, hourly with the sacrifices we make to live where and how we live and provide for our family. I miss getting to know the other moms at preschool dropoff. I miss playdates. I miss Women’s Bible Studies. I miss sweet one-on-one times with each of my children. The list goes on. And there’s always a whisper in the back of my mind asking “It is worth it..?”

But my thoughts today weren’t dwelling on our decision and my work. 8 years ago, you worked a similar job as mine. But through seeking the Lord, you heard the call that you were meant to change paths. You and Justin sacrificed to do that, too. But for that sacrifice you had the opportunity to impact hundreds of lives through bible studies, photography, and deep friendships. Then you were able to spend 4 years at home with your children as a Godly mother. And finally in this most recent chapter, the Lord has placed you in a job where the daughter that he has so perfectly formed can be a light to countless women through sharing your journey of faith. I have specifically prayed today that you would have wisdom and peace about managing your job in the coming months.

You give things your all. But so does God. He began a good work in you, and He will be faithful to complete it (Phil 1:6). So I pray today that as you did 8 years ago, you can feel the guiding hand of the Lord to make decisions on how to manage your job through this time. I urge you to listen to advice of other who have taken similar journeys, but mostly seek the Lord, from whose mouth comes wisdom and understanding (Prov 2:6).

(From Brooke) I’m so grateful for these very specific prayers. It is clear that the Lord was guiding and directing my sister’s prayers, weeks before I started treatment. This is such a reminder to me that PRAYER MATTERS!! (And also why I personally love journalling my prayers and encourage others to do the same because it is clear to see where God answers!) Im happy to share how God answered my sister’s prayers.

After my first treatment, after much prayer and seeking wise council, we made the difficult but necessary decision for me to take a temporary leave of absence from my position as Director of Women’s Ministries throughout my treatment. The pastors and staff of NEPC have been incredibly supportive and gracious and I’m so thankful for the love, support, and encouragement our family has been extended by this beautiful Body of Christ. This summer is a summer of healing and Season of Sabbath and the Lord is using it to grow me in deeper ways than He ever could without cancer. I’m especially thankful that during my “up” times I can focus on my family and children and make special memories with them. God answers prayer! I cannot wait to jump “back in the saddle” after this cancer chapter has been closed. I know this chapter will forever change me, as a woman of God, a wife, a mother, and in ministry.

Filed Under: His Grace Abounds - Original Blog · Tagged With: Breast Cancer, From A Sister's Heart, Ministry

Letter to my love

June 7, 2015 by Brooke ·

Earlier this week a friend and fellow breast cancer survivor, Angela McCall, posted an article on facebook entitled “The most overlooked characteristic of who you want to marry”. The article stated that the most overlooked characteristic is the ability to suffer well with your spouse. It inspired a letter to my love. CLICK HERE for the article that inspired this blog post

My love,

I knew that first night, almost twelve years ago, that you were the one. We met on a Fall evening on my parent’s porch, and I was immediately drawn to the ease by which you carried yourself. Self assured, but not too-much so. It was if we had known each other for years.

You had little hope in our relationship (being the practical one), as I was living in Europe at the time, but me, being the hopeless romantic knew I’d move anywhere, do anything, if you were “the one”.

That’s exactly what happened. From Austria to Atlanta and finally back to Columbia, the place I never thought I’d call home again.

Eighteen months after we met that warm October night, we were married.

It was one of the happiest nights of my life.

I couldn’t wait to spend forever with you.

We’ve been through a lot together in these first ten years of marriage. You supported me unwaveringly as I left a corporate career to start my own business. Infertility. Three babies in 19 months. You’ve been my steady ship.

And now, my love, cancer has rocked our world. I am amazed at you. You’ve been there, in the big and small ways. You’re amazing with the kids. You’ve held my hand, taken over housework, and even fed me like a little bird when I couldn’t hold my head up. You tell me I’m beautiful, even with no hair. And I truly believe you mean it.

I’m so SO thankful that the Lord chose YOU to be by my side through this suffering. I must admit, this was not a characteristic I looked for in a mate. But God knew. He hand picked you for me, knowing what was ahead. And I’m so thankful.

Watching you love me and serve me is a picture of the Gospel. I come to you, empty handed – nothing to give but a broken, needy woman. And you ….you lavish love, support, encouragement over me. And you do it WITH JOY.

The love we share is too deep for words, and even this attempt feels to shallow to express what I feel. You’re truly, the one my soul loves.

Always,

Brooke

Prayers for this week:

-PRAISE my amazing sister is here with me again until Wednesday to help with the children through these rough days. I love this time with her and cherish it even under these circumstances

-Pray that I’m able to eat without my stomach being upset too much. I can’t get as “down and out” as I did last time when I couldn’t eat!

-Pray that the children enjoy their half day camp at the YMCA in our neighborhood that they are starting tomorrow

-Pray I can REST in the Lord – He’s teaching me a lot about this these days

-Pray I fight with JOY and can see God’s new mercies each day, even through these days of feeling really bad

Thank you for praying and thank you for journeying with me.

Filed Under: His Grace Abounds - Original Blog · Tagged With: Breast Cancer, Infertility, Marriage

Chemo #2~ Help me to Sing “Hallelujah”

June 4, 2015 by Brooke ·

Today was a great day, other than one major hiccup. I praised God to learn that my hemoglobin was back up to 11 which meant no blood transfusion! Hallelujah!

The hiccup we had today was with the first chemo drug they administered called taxotere. Sometimes it can cause an anaphylactic reaction. During the first round, I was watched carefully as this drug started to drip, because the reaction occurs during infusion within the first 10 minutes usually. I felt for a split second last time like it was coming on, but then the feeling went away and I convinced myself it was all in my head because Myra (my nurse) had been talking about what the reaction was like.

This round – round 2- within 6 minutes of starting the taxotere drip, I had that same exact feeling, only it did not go away. It started with a cough and almost immediately I felt my airway closing up. I croaked out to Myra, calling her over and said “Something’s happening!!!” It happened really quickly. I felt like I could not breathe as my airway closed up. My entire body felt like it was going into shock. My face felt strange and like it was about to burst open (the only way I know how to describe it).

All of a sudden, there was a whole team of nurses surrounding me~ stopping the infusion, administering benadryl, putting a cold washcloth on my face, taking my vitals. Dr. Stillwell even magically appeared right away. (she works on all the way on the other side of the office). My blood pressure was sky high; my heart rate was 140. My face was beet red (I am told). They put me on oxygen.

It was seriously the scariest thing I’ve ever been through with my physical health.

After everything stabilized, I had terrible uterine pain. It literally felt like a nonstop labor contraction. I jokingly told Myra (my amazing nurse) that I needed an epidural 😉 haha But seriously it was really painful for about 20 minutes. Finally that let up, and they let me rest and stabilize for about 30 minutes. Dr. Stillwell decided to give taxotere one more try but at a slower drip rate to see if my body could handle it. So they reduced the drip rate from 250 to 40. Way slower… I was so scared when they started that drip again because I was terrifyed that my body would go into that reaction again! But Myra stayed right there beside me, with all of the syringes of medicine drawn in case I needed them quickly again. I just prayed and prayed, and THANKFULLY by God’s grace I didn’t have a second reaction. Praise God!!

Because of this hiccup, I was at the infusion clinic from about 8 – 5pm today.

That may be WAY too much detail, but I want to write these things down, not to scare anyone who may go through this in the future, but to get someone prepared for what could happen, and also if it does happen IT’S OK. I believe God wanted me to walk me through something that scary to show me He would carry me through it. He was right with me. It happened at a time I had a friend visiting who brought me lunch and I emphatically said (hopefully not too harshly!) “PRAY FOR ME!!!” She grabbed my hand and prayed and calmed my heart. That was a gift.

So now, with hair loss…..

I knew eventually the dreaded day would come when it would be best for me to go ahead and shave my hair. I prayed grace over this day, because I knew how hard it would be.

My hair had been falling out increasingly. It was becoming a big pain and I knew that very soon the “big day” of head shaving would need to take place. I did not want to PLAN this day, I just knew that I’d know when it needed to happen, and I’d just do it when I knew. I wanted it to happen organically and in God’s time. I wanted God to plan the day and then just reveal it to me. I trusted He would. And He did.

First thing this morning, my friend Becky met me briefly at the infusion clinic on her way home from work (she is a nurse at Lexington Medical and works nights and had gotten off at 7:30am). One of the first things Myra said to me this morning as she was cleaning my port was “darlin, you know you’re hair is about to be gone…probably by the weekend”. Of course this got me emotional, anticipating that BIG dreaded day that I knew needed to happen soon. The day of head shaving.

Becky said “why don’t you just come over after your chemo is over and I’ll shave it off”. . Right away I knew this was God’s plan. It felt right. She even bought me the cutest Vera Bradley scarf to celebrate this big day. Becky is a dear friend, and we have shared many dark and light seasons arm in arm. I knew I also wanted Justin to be there with me too. It felt like a very vulnerable time.

So after the extra-long chemo day, Justin took me to Becky’s house. She put on Pandora worship music, we prayed together – asking the Lord to come and intersect our time together doing this dreaded and hard thing.

We first used the scissors to cut my hair very short. Justin looked on, and with love in his eyes encouraged me, and provided comic relief. I have tears in my eyes as I type this because I will NEVER forget that image of my beloved sitting at that table, watching as his wife’s head gets shaved. He reminded me of the old Randy Travis song “I’m gonna love you forever” and that lyric that says “I aint in love with your hair, if it all falls out, I’d love you anyway”. This is true love, y’all. He’s amazing.

Just as the shaving started, God gave me a sweet gift. On the pandora station (which we had no idea what song would come up next), a VERY special song started playing for me. It was straight from God’s heart to mine. As I heard the distinct sound of the electric razor, I also heard the song “Hallelujah” by Bethany Dillon. This song was one of my infertility anthems, and I played it on repeat as we were going through fertility treatments, and the Lord used it to push out fear that they wouldn’t work. One of the lyrics of the song says “Whatever’s in front of me, HELP me to sing hallelujah”. That is SO much my heart…it was then, and it is now. “Lord, we DON’T know the future. It is unclear. But whatEVER is in front of me, HELP me to sing Hallelujah. Lord help me to praise You through whatever is ahead.”

There was no guarantee that I would get pregnant back then. Scripture doesn’t promise us that. Just as there are unknowns ahead in my journey. But I choose to praise Him through the unknowns.

As that song started playing over the sound of the electric razor, I put my head in my hands and just started crying. I felt so loved, so cared for by our Great and Mighty GOD! I knew He had orchestrated every detail of this dreaded night, and wanted to remind me in every way that He was with me. He saw me. He cares for me. It’s simply amazing. Out of ALL the songs that could have played in that very moment it was one so close to my heart.

The dreaded hard day was really not.that.hard. It’s all His grace. It abounds day by day. New mercies I see every morning. I want to encourage you – if you are facing a hard thing, get real about it, and face it head on. Beg the Lord to intersect that hard thing, and then have eyes to see the glimpses of His grace and presence in the midst of the hard thing. Often God calls us not to walk around the difficult parts of the journey, but trust that He will walk with us THROUGH them…sufficiently lavishing us with His grace along the way. I saw this tonight.

I could continue writing because my heart is so full, but this post is getting too long.

My new looks:

true love. in sickness and in health.

And my wig!

this is not my real hair. although it could probably pass for it!

I’ll post prayers another day. For now I’ll leave you with this verse. Its because of Jesus I have HOPE. Jesus is a sure and steadfast anchor of my soul. And the anchor holds.

credit: Brightside Studio

Click hear to hear “Hallelujah” by Bethany Dillon

Lyrics to “Hallelujah” by Bethany Dillon

Who can hold the stars and my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I’ve fallen so hard, sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean or do anything
But it’s when you hold me that I start unfolding
And all that I can say is

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing Hallelujah

Oh, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing Hallelujah

The same sun, rises over castles
And welcomes the day
Spills over buildings into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone and you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing Hallelujah

Oh, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing Hallelujah

(Hallelujah)
Help me to sing Hallelujah
(Hallelujah)

Ho, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing Hallelujah

Oh, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing Hallelujah

Oh, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Filed Under: His Grace Abounds - Original Blog · Tagged With: Breast Cancer, Chemo, Hair Loss, Infertility

Archives for June 2015

Take Heart

middle of the marathon

From a Sister’s Heart {edition 2}

Letter to my love

Chemo #2~ Help me to Sing “Hallelujah”

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