His Grace Abounds

My screened porch is a place where I meet with the Lord.  The sun greets me over the trees in the east and bird voices welcome me back to my spot. Sipping hot and black coffee, I crack open His Word and my eyes fall on His character and His promises.  My memory traces His faithfulness over my life.  My hand personalizes these promises in a polka-dot journal.  “Brooke, I am your shepherd, My child, goodness and mercy will follow you all the days of your life.” (Psalm 23) My heart begins to trust in the exquisite front side of my life-tapestry.  In His grace, often I can even see glimpses of the real-life beauty right here, in the middle of the mess.

In my last post, I shared briefly about the messy threads of life.  In the gritty hours of my days, especially in this life navigating a serious disease while mothering young children, my mind frequently drifts towards this metaphor of the tapestry.  With my eyes of sight, I see the messy backside of the tapestry – the chaotic myriad of colors, the knots and unraveled threads.

The truth: life is challenging – balancing young children, marriage, keeping up a house, and serving in a part time job/ministry. The days feel gritty and imperfect; the rough edges of sin and suffering rub like sandpaper. I see you nodding your head because you get it.

It’s tough enough without cancer.

Add in a two year fight against an unrelenting disease, and these circumstances could crush me.  Instead, they’ve brought me to my knees in utter desperation for my God.  That’s not a bad place to be.

These past two years have removed any false notion that I am smart enough, disciplined enough, and capable enough to do this life on my own. Today, I’m desperate like never before, leaning hard into the One I can trust with everything.  It feels like a deep breath of surrender, and the comforting embrace of just being held.  I’m humbled that God would entrust me with this desperation journey at age 37, instead of 77.

Today I’m sharing the “Friday Threads” of my heart and health.

Health

*God has been gracious in the healing from mastectomy surgery on 6/21/17.  I’m five weeks out, and all pain is gone!  Hallelujah! My range of motion is returning! Praise the Lord!  The healing of my heart and accepting my new scarred and broken body will take much longer. Right now my coping mechanism is to avoid mirrors. It may not be the healthiest way to cope, but this is all part of the journey and He’s there.

*Next week I start radiation therapy at MD Anderson Cancer Center.  The radiation will be on both my right chest area and sternum.  I’ll have radiation in Houston five days a week for six weeks.  The radiation oncologists in Houston are very specialized and it is imperative that I get the best care.  I’ve already been radiated once, so this situation is very delicate.  I’ll be living in Houston six weeks in a short-term, fully furnished apartment four miles from MD Anderson.  Justin and grandparents will be home with the children. I have several groups of visitors coming to keep me company for a few days at a time. Thanks to God’s provision and kind, generous souls I’ll be able to return home to see Justin and the children some of the weekends.  I have plans to fill my days alone in Houston with set apart time with God, NEPC Women’s Ministry work, reading, worship walks around Rice University (beautiful!), writing, making blog changes, and praying for divine appointments with other ladies who need prayer and a hug.

*For updates about my cancer journey, please “like” my Facebook page: Brooke Turner’s Cancer Journey  I would be so grateful if you could life up our family during these days.  I post specific prayer requests on the Facebook page.

Heart

Six weeks feels like too long for any mother to be separated from her children, especially when a new school year is starting, and the baby of the family will be starting kindergarten.  A new adventure to begin, a milestone to experience without the comfort and encouragement of Mama in person.

Six weeks feels like too long for any wife to be separate from her husband; requiring him to be Mr. Mom and Mr. Dad, and provider, and boo-boo kisser, and homework doer, and lunch packer.

Anxiety and worry can bubble up when I dwell on all that seems wrong with this scenario.  If you and I speak about this time in Houston for more than 30 seconds, there is a 99% chance that I will cry.  Especially if the topic of kindergarten comes up.

BUT GOD.

When I pause and take just a moment to lift up my eyes, He reminds me of the hidden work that He is accomplishing in my life, and in my family.  He reminds me of His daily faithfulness and provision each day I’ve traveled this rocky journey. Reflecting on His goodness along this unchosen path transforms my attitude from grumbly to grateful.

I’m grateful for His provision of a supportive husband and incredible daddy who loves his children so fiercely.

I’m grateful for grandparents who selflessly serve our family and provide some semblance of consistency (and laundered clothes!) during these topsy-turvy days.

I’m grateful for my sister who, in the midst of a full family life and demanding work life, has come alongside me in so many beautiful ways; coordinating trips and finding me an apartment, and traveling with me to Houston, and making plans to help with the children.

I’m grateful for friends who generously provide house cleaners, and send gift cards, and listening ears, and voxer messages, and warm hugs, and encouraging texts, and funny cards.

I’m grateful for the crinkly pages of Isaiah 61 in my blue bible.  My hope is wrapped up in this promised One, Jesus, who every single time without fail exchanges gladness from despair; comfort from mourning; beauty from ashes.

I’m grateful that I don’t have to wait to get to the other side of these difficult circumstances to experience God’s goodness and be steadied by His Hope.  His presence and His Hope are right here in the messy middle. This establishes my soul, and it can establish yours too.

Many of you look at our situation and allow fear to hold your heart in bondage.  “What if that happened to me?  How would I cope?”

One purpose of writing and sharing my story is to show you through this one, imperfect life that as we walk with the Lord in suffering, God always exchanges beauty for ashes.  

I pray my words infuse hope into your messy middle.  We’re all in the middle of something that feels like a mess.  It has not been easy, but this journey has been sweet and intimate, and one which God has gloriously grown me in ways only He can.  Our darkest seasons brith desperation for God, which allow for us to know Him intimately and comfort others with the comfort He has given us.  As we draw near to the weaver-God, He allows us to believe that He is weaving a perfect tapestry through the seemingly disconnected threads of our circumstances.

Housekeeping

*As I went through treatments (again) for breast cancer, most days I was too weak or my brain was too foggy to continue writing on this blog. God gave me a precious gift in my dear friend, Maria Currey, who so graciously sat at the feet of the Lord each week and wrote beautiful prayers which she posted here as ACTS of prayer.  Maria was my point person to distribute prayers both on the blog and in our church for faithful prayer warriors.  I’ve heard from many how thess “ACTS of Prayer” deeply ministered to so many of you, as you used them to enter into time with the Lord by first adoring who He is before seeking His hand.  I have saved each of these and plan to put them in a special place on my blog,  Thank you, dear Maria, for faithfully serving me and the readers of this blog.

*My vision for this blog is to serve you as you seek to find God’s goodness and His hope in the middle of your own mess.  The Lord has impressed this on my heart, as I listen, cry and pray for women in my life.  We’re all in the middle of something that feels like a mess. Your mess may be a waiting room of infertility, chaotic days with young children, infidelity, a broken relationship, or a debilitating disease.  Your answers will help me as I seek to serve you from an overflow of what God is doing in my life, as He walks with me through stage IV cancer.  I’ll be unpacking this further in the days ahead (as I have hours along in Houston). In the meantime, if you have a moment and you feel a need for this message in your life or in the life of a friend, would you please answer this:

What obstacles do you fight against as you seek to see God’s goodness and experience His hope in the messy middle of your circumstances?

You can comment here, email me at brooke@brookeaturner.com or send me a message on Facebook or Instagram.

Thank you for how you’ve carried our family in prayer in these days. Your love for our family is making indelible imprints into our hearts and the hearts of our children.  For this we are deeply grateful.

On this cloudy Friday afternoon, I have an urge to write and update; share and process, but the problem is I’m suffering from a case of “chemo brain”, so this I’m unable to wrap these disconnected thoughts into a nice tidy bow with a beginning, middle, and end.  As I’ve decided whether I should write at all, I realized that this type of post pretty much my life.  God is weaving seemingly disconnected threads into a beautiful tapestry, but I can only see the backside… a random disorderly beautiful mess.

Here are some disconnected threads for this Friday that I’m trusting God is using to weave together to create something beautiful.

What’s happening in my HEALTH:

I have Stage IV cancer.  This has been the case since discovering the sternum metastasis in January. It’s difficult to accept, but thankfully, I have the “best case” of a bad scenario.  I have breast cancer with one area of bone metastasis in my sternum.  Under the oversight of a team of physicians at MD Anderson, since January I’ve been going through the most aggressive chemo regiment they can throw at me.  I had four infusions of “the Red Devil” chemo, and then four infusions of Ixempra.  The last three chemo cycles they also added in a daily oral chemo called Xeloda, which involves 6 pills a day.  This is the most aggressive chemo regiment to give me the best chance of “No Evidence of Disease”.

The standard of care with Stage IV has been palliative care, instead of curative care.  In other words, holding back the disease as much as possible to extend life.  However, recently there have been many studies that have shown Stage IV cancer patients who are able to extend their life many many years, especially patients like me who have no “distant disease”.  In other words, my area of metastasis is local to the breast area, so it seems we have contained it locally before it spread to vital organs.  This is the reason behind the very aggressive chemo, and I’m thankful to be treated at MD Anderson where they are on the cutting edge of research and treatments.

God has been SO gracious to me, and I have tolerated the side effects of the chemo remarkably well! In 2015, my first experience with chemo was pretty horrific.  Every single doctor and nurse I encountered was very concerned about how I would tolerate this regiment.  It is a MIRACLE and makes absolutely no sense medically speaking.  I know it’s my GREAT GOD!  I’ve had .some pain, (a lot of) fatigue, a little nausea…of course hair loss.  But I’ve been able to get out of bed every day, work a lot of days, and be Mommy to my little ones!  Thank you for your prayers for minimal side effects!!

My final infusion chemo (Lord willing) was May 8, and I’ll continue to take my oral chemo for another week.   I’ll have a PET Scan (likely May 20) and we head to MD Anderson (Houston TX) May 24-27.  I’ll meet with a surgeon May 25, who will assess the PET Scan and determine if I am a candidate for surgery.   They want to see the disease contained and inactive.  We’re looking at a double mastectomy with reconstruction.   I’ll do surgery in Texas, probably in June, and I’m not sure how long I’ll be out in Texas.  After surgery, in theory the only cancer would be in the sternum, since the breast will be gone.  Doctors have also mentioned radiation for the sternum area.

Lots of questions…we’ll know more after our Houston trip end of the month!

My prayers are that the PET scan will show “No Evidence of Disease” — a complete response to this aggressive chemo I’ve been on for nearly 5 months!  My prayer is that we can move ahead with surgery and radiation, and that the Lord would give me many many more years to be Justin’s parter and Samuel, Selah and Hannah’s mommy!

All of this that I share is wrapped in faith, and the knowledge that my hope is not in the medical treatments, but God alone.  God is not limited to cancer “stages”.  God  is writing a story here, and He wrote every day of my life before I lived one! He sees the beginning, middle and end, and has numbered my days!  My life rests securely in His sovereignty, and His plans for me are GOOD. His plans for my family are GOOD.  His goodness chases me every day of my life, and through His daily grace, I can have joy in the midst.

What’s happening in my HEART:

On motherhood & legacy… just the tip of the iceberg….

Mothers Day brunch with my youngest

At Focus Bible Study, as we completed our study of the book of Romans, we were challenged to consider what kind of “footprints of faith” we are leaving to the next generation.  We sang an old  (slightly cheesy, but precious) 1980s song by Steve Green “Find us Faithful”.  As tears streamed down my face, (and the faces of the other mothers of young children worshipping around me), it occurred to me that the desire of all of our Mama hearts was that we would be found faithful…for our children but also other “children of faith” we have the opportunity to disciple.    With my health situation, these thoughts are at the forefront of my mind daily, and I desperately long to leave behind “footprints of faith” for my children to look back on after I’m gone…..whether it is 5 years or 50 years from today.

At the same time, there is the recognition that faith is a matter of the heart, that ONLY God can do.  I cannot transform my children’s hearts, only the Spirit of God can do that.  Through discipline I can correct their behavior, through teaching and training I can share the Word of God (and faith first comes from hearing of the Word)…but there is an invisible work of the Lord that I CANNOT do.  This is hard for a recovering control-freak like me!

This realization is a call to press in and surround my children with “kindling” that the Holy Spirit might ignite into full faith one day —- a passionate, life altering faith that results in a life of extravagant worship.  It’s a call to be on my knees for my children, begging God to do the work that only He can do.  And it’s a call of dependence for me, to entrust my children to Him daily, and do the next right thing in my responsibility to share the goodness of the Lord with them.

To all of you mothers out there~ press into the hearts of your children.  Pray big prayers over their lives; plans and purposes that only God can accomplish.   Most importantly , make your spiritual growth a priority…press into the Lord yourself, and by God’s grace, you will be found faithful, only by Jesus – the Faithful One.

praying “plentiful redemption” over my health, and over my family…

Find us Faithful by Steve Green

We’re pilgrims on the journey

Of the narrow road

And those who’ve gone before us line the way

Cheering on the faithful, encouraging the weary

Their lives a stirring testament to God’s sustaining grace

Surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses

Let us run the race not only for the prize

But as those who’ve gone before us

Let us leave to those behind us

The heritage of faithfulness

Passed on through godly lives

Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful

May the fire of our devotion light their way

May the footprints that we leave

Lead them to believe

And the lives we live inspire them to obey

Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful

After all our hopes and dreams have come and gone

And our children sift through all we’ve left behind

May the clues that they discover

And the memories they uncover

Become the light that leads them

To the road we each must find

This past Sunday, Justin and I had the opportunity to share our “God-story” through this video we filmed in January.

I remember this weekend in January when we filmed the video.  The Lord’s strength was nearly palpable as we were interviewed by our Pastor.  I remember answering questions, hearing the answers through my own ears, and knowing those words were not my words, they were His words.  This has only happened a few times in my Christian journey and it is strange.  Throughout scripture we see God opening the mouth of His people and putting words in their mouths, so I should not be surprised.

It is an incredible feeling to sense God so near; to sense His strength and experience His presence in that way.  If you’ve seen bravery or strength, be assured that isn’t my courage or strength.  It’s the Lord’s.  He does make me brave, and where I’m so weak, He is so strong.

In the early days of my re-diagnosis,  I said so many times to so many people “I feel like I’m wrapped in a cocoon of grace in these days”.  His presence was so near.  I experienced the hope, joy and peace that was available to me in Christ, in the fullest way that I had ever experienced it.  How in the world could I actually have joy in the midst of a second cancer diagnosis in 20 months ? It was surreal, and such a gift.  I remember in the middle of these hard but sweet days, I said to a friend “I’m afraid of the darker days that I fear are ahead”.

I’m typically a “glass half full” person, so why would I expect dark days ahead?

This isn’t my first journey through cancer.   In the middle of the journey in 2015 there was a chunk of time that God seemed far off; His presence did not feel near.   That is scary to write and to admit, but it was my experience.  This distance was worse than any of the physical suffering of treatments. Thankfully, through time, His Word, and community He pulled me out of that pit, and my testimony was “Faith isn’t faith if it is always felt”.  In looking back, God taught me that for the first time in my life, I simply had to be carried. I couldn’t “pull myself up from my bootstraps”.    I barely held onto His promises by my fingernails, but He was securely holding me the entire time.

To be completely honest, there have been many days recently where the strength and hope of what I shared in my video has seemed so far off.  I’m reading His Word, I’m praying (more like wailing out to Him), I’m journalling, I’m in community, I’m going to church.  It seems like I’m doing all the right things, but His presence sometimes seems distant.

I long more than anything to FEEL His presence in my life.  But what about the days when we don’t?  Faith isn’t faith if it is always felt.

Yesterday I sat around a table with three strong, beautiful brave young women who, like me, are walking through stage IV cancer.  And like me, they all have young children who need their Mommy.

I was an absolute wreck, holding back tears the entire time, because it was literally the first time I sat in the presence of others who understand the emotional complexities of walking through a very serious disease, while being a Mommy to young children.

They get it.

We briefly shared our stories, and I couldn’t help but think this is NOT OK.   Young mothers should not have to fight for our lives, in the “prime” of our lives.  Our sufferings are worthy of lament.

A lament is an expression of deep grief and sorrow.  I feel in our churches we haven’t done a good job of talking about how to lament well.    The Psalms do a good job of exploring this “trusting tension” – the “It is NOT well, but it IS well” tension that we will all experience during some time in this journey of life, if we live long enough.  As I am stretched in this, I’m understanding that it’s ok to lament.  The Psalms teach me not only how to lament, but how to point to God in the process.   The Psalms teach me how to trust in what I KNOW , not only what I feel.

It’s ok to lament, but I should remember the “YETs” of my faith.  This is not ok, YET I will rejoice in the Lord.  (Habbakuk 3:17-18).    This is not ok, YET I trust Him.  (Psalm 9:9-10) This is not ok, YET I believe He is good and working all things together for my good.  (Romans 8:28) This is not ok, YET I will seek Him first (Matthew 6:33),  trusting He will not withhold any good thing from me (Psalm 84:11).

These tensions are harder to live in than to the “coffee mug” Christian platitudes; platitudes spoken through a plastered smile, with an overly cheerful tone, masking a distressed, groaning heart.

I’m preaching a lot to myself these days, and asking my heart to catch up.  What God is teaching me is there is so much purpose even in the days of lament, as He takes me even deeper, stretches me more, opens and empties my hands even more, so I can receive even more of Him.

Just as it was such a blessing to sit with those young mothers yesterday, knowing they get it, I hope these words encourage someone else who is in a season of lament — you’re not alone.

Sweet friend, I get it.

Psalm 41: 1, 2, 11

As a deer pants for flowing streams,

so pants my soul for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God,

for the living God.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.

Habakkuk 3:17-18

Though the fig tree should not blossom,
    nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
    and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
    and there be no herd in the stalls,
 yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
    I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

Psalm 9:9-10

The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed,
    a stronghold in times of trouble.
And those who know your name put their trust in you,
    for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you

Romans 8:28

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Matthew 6:33

seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Psalm 84:11

For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
    the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
    from those who walk uprightly.

In August of last year, I was presented with a thick book; “Survivorship” printed across the top.

My scans had all been clear, and it was time to talk about life after cancer.

One of the most difficult parts of life after cancer is the temptation to fear a recurrence.  This is something I wrestled with, and had to daily, sometimes hourly intentionally cast this fear onto the Lord.   After a bookend was placed on the cancer journey, anytime I would consider a recurrence, tears would flow like two hot rivers streaming down my cheeks.  I could not even conceive of a day, some imaginary day in the future, where I would find out cancer had once again intersected with my life.  My biggest fear within the fear was finding out that I would have to go through chemo again.   Chemo was not friendly to me in 2015.

Little did I know that four short months after receiving the “Survivorship” book, would I actually hear those words that I so feared.   The cancer was back, and chemo would be the first weapon used to battle it.

On December 7, 2016, the fear that I had so feared had become reality.  The news I had so dreaded, and the “worst case” that I had cast upon the Lord was no longer a “what if”.   But on that day, what surprised me even more than the news, was the gift that the Lord has prepared for us, waiting for us on that day.

It was the gift of grace in the moment.

Grace was waiting, a gift unopened until those moments when we needed it most.

I want to spell out exactly what this grace looked like in that exam room, so this thought isn’t just a nice concept but it becomes concrete in your heart and my heart.

His grace gift –   the day prior, I gathered with three prayer warriors and they prayed powerful prayers of grace over whatever we would learn the next day- good or bad.

His grace gift – a prayer emailed to me the morning of the appointment by a precious prayer warrior, which I read aloud before the doctor came into share the news.  God used this prayer and scripture spoken aloud in that physical space to establish our hearts and prepare us for the news we were about to receive.

His grace gift – after the doctor shared the news we feared my response was simply: “I have faith.”  As the words fell on my ears, I knew they were not my words, but words the Lord put in my mouth and spoke over me, through me.

His grace gift – the “Like a River Glorious” peace that flowed through our hearts, despite the very difficult news we had just received.

Grace was waiting.

His grace is like manna from above – we cannot hoard it, we cannot gather it early, it comes ONLY when we need it. We must have faith to believe that if we walk through that hard thing we fear, that grace will be waiting, like a gift waiting to be received.

Right now, in your heart and in mine there is a “worst case scenario” that you fear. Maybe your “worst case” is the reality that I am living.  I’m here to share today that YOU DON’T HAVE TO FEAR that worst case “what if”.  You don’t have to fear sickness, the death of a loved one, a child straying.    You don’t have to fear cancer.

Grace will be waiting.

The reality is, some of those fears may actually come to pass.  (Not encouraging, but stick with me).  You might get cancer, your husband may not return home from deployment, your child may walk away from the Lord.

BUT, if you ever get to that day, grace will be waiting.

I do not want to make light of this journey.  I’m journeying through a deep valley. But His daily grace is deeper still.  It greets me daily in surprising and delightful ways.  His sustaining grace envelops our family and allows us to make it through another day.

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

This is why you don’t have to fear cancer.  If you are ever hear that news, His abundant, perfect grace will be waiting for you there, too.

This morning God has me in Genesis 39 & 40.  Although I’m suffering from a touch of “chemo brain” this morning, I just had to write about this impression the Holy Spirit gave me as I was reading His Word.

To catch you up, these two chapters recount the first part of the patriarch Joseph’s time in Egypt, after maliciously being sold into slavery by his brothers.  He begins to work for Potifar, an officer of Pharaoh, and God blessed the home of Potifar because of Joseph.  Things were going well, until Joseph was unjustly accused of rape by Potifar’s wife, and Joseph was thrown into prison.

Genesis 29:21 tells us that  “the Lord was with Joseph and showed him steadfast love and gave him favor in the sight of the keeper of the prison.”

The Lord gave Joseph steadfast love in prison.

This struck me because the prison seems like the opposite of steadfast love.

This phrase “steadfast love” in the original language (Hebrew) is the word “CHECED” which is translated goodness, mercy, faithfulness.

Could it be that the prison WAS God’s steadfast love in Joseph’s life?

Could it be that the prison was to prepare Joseph for all that God has ahead of him (go read the rest of the story!)

The prison is often a place of preparation.

Joesph’s prison made him into a man of humility and utter dependence on God.

Whatever prison of affliction you sit in today, in the path of obedience to the Lord, could be God’s very steadfast love to you.

Be encouraged today, friends.

“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.”  Psalm 23:6

I want to share a story today that is a bit of a departure from all of this cancer talk.  I write today to remind you, and to remind me of three truths, so we can live in three ways:

Three Truths:

1. God is ALWAYS working out His purposes in every single place our feet take us, every single day
2. He asks us to participate in His purposes in the lives of others
3. When we participate, the glory is His and the joy is ours

Matthew 28: 19-20 says “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

I heard a long time ago that this small word “GO” is actually better translated as “as you are going”.   Sometimes the Lord will call us to pick up and GO … to GO to an unreached people group – a mission trip, or to become a missionary, but often God’s heart for you, and for me is that we make disciples “as we are going”.   Please know my heart for foreign missions – God calls and equips incredible people to do that very hard work, which I commend.  What I’m speaking of today are people who are not called, at this time, to become a foreign missionary, but instead to live our their faith right where they are.

Matthew 5:16 instructs us to “let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”

Jesus calls us to be His light “as we are going”;  As we are going about our day to day lives, right where He has placed us.  As we are going to the workplace.  As we are going to play bunco …As we are going to the grocery store.  As we are going in our neighborhood.  As we are going to our hair appointments.

First let me share a story where I missed it.

December 2016

Justin and I sat in a waiting room before my very first appointment at MD Anderson Cancer Center.  You could cut the tension in the room with a knife, mostly because of one man.

His wife was being treated there, with breast cancer.  This couple did not want to be in Houston; they wanted to be home.  He could not figure out the “myMDAnderson” app.  The same tool which I had praised, and that had made my own life so easy, was a thorn in his side.  And he let the whole waiting room know, by way of loudly filling the ear of a compassionate nurse trying to help him.

In a way, I understood his frustration. None of us every want to be there, far away from home, sitting in a waiting room of a cancer center, having cancer intersect our lives.

I felt sad for him – that his perspective was negative, instead of grateful.  Personally, I was just so grateful to be sitting there at the world’s #1 cancer center.  I knew he needed hope.

In those moments, after they figured it out, the heated moments gave way to just a broken man, about the age of my dad, sitting scared in a waiting room; waiting for his bride who had cancer.

So what did I do?

I talked to Justin about him.  Praying quietly a grateful heart over him.  Wishing a thankful, hopeful spirit.

In those moments, I sensed the Holy Spirit prompt me to ask if I could quietly pray over him.  Give him hug, place a gentle hand on his forearm, and whisper prayers to the God of the universe for this broken man, as an act of love.  What’s the worst that could happen?

In the end, my fear of him fussing, or embarrassing Justin, or everyone looking at me overcame what could have been a blessing to Him from God, through me.

Unfortunately, I live a lot of my life in this way — self conscious, with eyes on myself (not others), and distracted.

But today I write to remind myself and to encourage you of three truths:

~God is ALWAYS working out His purposes in every single place our feet take us, every single day  

Jesus said in John 5:17 “My Father is working until now, and I am working.”

~He asks us to participate in His purposes in the lives of others

So if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation: everything old has passed away; see, everything has become new! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting the message of reconciliation to us. So we are ambassadors for Christ, since God is making his appeal through us; we entreat you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.  2 Corinthians 5:17-20

~When we participate, the glory is His and the joy is ours

Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.Psalm 126:2-3

I’d now like to share a time when I made a different choice – living tuned into God’s purposes, which in turn gave me a sweet gift.    I share not to bring glory to myself, but God alone – as HE is the one who orchestrated this.  I was just a willing instrument, along for his incredible ride.

September 2014

Have you ever had a “Divine Appointment”? You know, an experience when the Lord unexpectedly intersects your life with another persons life, and you know without a doubt the Lord orchestrated the encounter.

In September of 2014, the Lord arranged a “Divine Appointment” for me to meet a beautiful young woman, Sarah Cain.

In one day, the Lord intersected the lives of two strangers, and an hour later we were praying, embracing, praising God, and saying I love you to one another. I know, that’s a little weird!  I don’t make it a habit to say I love you to people I’ve only known for one hour, but this was just proof of how incredible our meeting was.   Before I share this story, I want you to know this story is only about GOD – and how GREAT HE is, and how much bigger He is than we could ever imagine!

The morning started off like any regular day; I had some sweet time in prayer and in the Word before the children woke up..and after the school morning shuffle (all you school moms know exactly what I am talking about); we were headed for preschool drop-off.

As I drove,  I was going through my mental checklist of all I needed to accomplish in the precious 3 hours my children were happily occupied at preschool.  At the top of the list was scheduling a much needed haircut, so I desperately starting calling local salons to see if by any long shot I could get an appointment that same day, like in 90 minutes.  I wasn’t having much luck, until finally, an appointment at 10:45am at a local salon, with a stylist I’d never met.

As I drove to this new salon, I missed the turn in and had to make a U Turn.  Just as I was making the U Turn, I heard the Lord speak to my heart “Brooke, I’m going to use you in there today.  You have an assignment”.  It wasn’t an audible voice, but an undeniable whisper in the deepest parts of my heart.  I’m ashamed to say my first thought was “Oh goodness, I’m going to have an atheist hair stylist and God’s going to ask me to witness to her.  This is going to get very uncomfortable awkward”.  I hadn’t signed up for this, I really just wanted an effortless chit chatty conversation as I got my hair cut. But as I parked I took a deep breath and said “Yes Lord, I’m here and ready to be used by you”

As I met my hairstylist, a cute blond named Sarah, and walked back to her booth, I was full of expectation. Almost immediately, God showed me exactly why I was there.  Her heart spilled forth, as she shared that she was going through a very difficult season.  I had those Holy Spirit goosebumps as I shared with her of how the Lord had spoken to me as I made my U-Turn, and that I was certain that God had sent me to her to tell her that He loved her, and God wanted her to be encouraged and have hope in Him. I told her that I had been there; I went through a similar season 5 years prior, and I knew right where she was.   With tears in her eyes, Sarah was in awe that God loved her so much that He would send me to encourage her.

As Sarah cut my hair, our conversation naturally flowed…we continued to be awestruck together as we realized how the threads of our stories were unusually similar.  She shared her testimony with me, and I shared mine. There were so many unbelievable parallels in our journeys.

It was truly a  beautiful time where two daughters of God shared our hearts and love for Him.  It was such a joy to share scripture that God brought to mind that had encouraged me in my difficult season. She finished my haircut (which by this point I had really forgotten about, and I just wanted to go to Starbucks and continue our conversation!).   I’m sure the other salon clients were thinking “what in the world is going on over there!? They’re laughing, they’re crying, they’re praying and embracing.”  This was just not normal! Those moments we shard were set apart, they were Holy, and we were two daughters in Christ rejoicing at the majesty of God!

As I checked out, I shared that I would love to walk alongside her in this difficult journey, and got her contact information.  I was so excited about how God had birthed this new friendship, and I just knew the Lord had brought us together for a very special relationship.  I felt led to hug her once more just before leaving, and that’s when I said it.  I said, “Sarah I know this sounds strange considering that we only met an hour ago, but I love you and our hearts are united in Christ.”

Psalm 16: 11 says “in His presence there is FULLNESS of JOY”.  God’s presence was so evident throughout my appointment, and both Sarah and I were overflowing with His fullness of joy.

So I returned home, and I was still overflowing with joy at how God had showed up in my day!  My prayer journal still laid  open from my morning time with Jesus.  I could hardly believe my eyes when I read the closing prayer that I had written in my journal that morning.  I had prayed a portion of a prayer from the “Valley of Vision”. The prayer read: “May my desires be enlarged and my hopes emboldened, that I may honor You by my entire dependency and the greatness of my expectation.”  WOW.  God answered that prayer beyond what I could have asked or imagined.

God is always moving..the power of the Gospel STILL continues to change lives.  And by His grace, He chooses us, broken and imperfect vessels, to play a part in His great redemption story in the lives of others.  This just gets me so fired up! Don’t YOU want to participate in the work that God is doing in the lives of others?

Let’s regain a sense of urgency and expectation of how God wants to use us! Let us together get a BIG vision for what God wants to do in our lives. “Let’s not be ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes.”

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How then, do we live this “as you are going” life?  I don’t want to miss it; I want the Lord to squeeze out every bit of goodness from my life.   Here are three ways we can live this “as you are going” life.

1. Start our day, dedicating it to God, asking Him to order our steps
2. When the Lord takes us somewhere new throughout the day, ask Him, “Lord, what do you want to do in this place”   Warning – you could find yourselves praying over a waiter, encouraging a sales clerk, or telling your stylist you love them after one hour
3. Live a life poured for others (present not distracted; confident not self concious; and eyes on otherss, not on self)

The glory is His, the joy is ours….and sometimes He gives us one of the sweetest gifts along the way, just as a way to say “well done” this side of Heaven.

My gift – this precious friendship, which has only grown in the last two years.

January 2017

Adapted from a devotional I shared with the NE Presbyterian Church Women’s Ministry Board of Directors Meeting 1/4/17, on the eve of my first chemo treatment of this second cancer diagnosis

From the start of this second cancer journey, I’ve called it our “divine adventure”.  This second diagnosis is not a surprise to God.  Before I was born, every day of my life was written before I lived even one day (Psalm 139:16).   He’s written this journey, and I am choosing the attitude that although I would never choose this, I’m going to believe that GOD IS IN IT.  I’m going to watch for Him; watch for those glimpses of His face through the valley.  Although I don’t believe He caused the cancer, He has allowed he cancer for His purposes—some of which we may never know, some He has been glad to reveal.

God is bigger than cancer, and my God is big enough to use cancer for His purpose.  What Satan means to steal, kill, and destroy, God will use it for my good and His glory. (Genesis 50:20)

Although there are difficult moments, even difficult days (and many difficult days ahead), God has, by His grace, allowed me to see these truths through eyes of faith.  He’s done it – He’s the hero, not me.

Tomorrow I start chemo again.

Weakness is something I became very well acquainted with during my last cancer journey.  Going through chemo took me to the end of myself in every way.  Although I know God could totally spare me from those horrific side effects this go-round, I’m praying both with faith and with open hands.  Often He does not deliver us from the worst, but gives us grace right through the middle of it.

This afternoon, in anticipation of a meeting with the Women’s Board of Directors (of which I feel COMPLETELY inadequate to lead at the moment), I spent some time in 2 Corinthians 12:9-11.

Here, Paul describes a weakness; a “thorn in his flesh”:

“But he (the Lord) said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

After praying through this verse, and unpacking it bit by bit, it occurred to me that what we (our family, our Women’s Ministry at NEPC, our church, myself) — what we are facing here is a

DIVINE OPPORTUNITY

Let me explain by unpacking this scripture:

1. In weakness, God’s grace is SUFFICIENT.  

This word “sufficient” means strong enough.  In our weakness, God’s grace is strong enough to accomplish whatever it is that He is calling us to accomplish that hour, that day, that year, and in our lives. 

2.  In weakness, God’s power is MADE PERFECT.

The word “made perfect” means accomplished.  His power becomes complete in OUR weakness.  Our weakness is necessary for His power to be accomplished.  

3.  In weakness we can BOAST.

The word boast is not one we use frequently.  This word means we can GLORY in our weakness, or we can rejoice in our weakness.  How? Why? ……..

4.  because In weakness the power of Christ may rest upon me.

This is they key — our weakness allows the power of Christ to rest upon us.

Our weakness doesn’t cancel His power – it is the CATALYST for His power.   

This is it –that in weakness, this is our divine opportunity to allow the power of the risen Christ to rest upon us all the more.

It’s the upside down method that God accomplishes His kingdom purposes.  Through the least likely, the least powerful; His unexpected way.

It reminds us that GOD is the hero.  Not us.

Are you feeling weak – physically, emotionally, mentally?

If you answered yes, what you have is a DIVINE OPPORTUNITY.

Let’s watch as His power rests on us, in our weakness and He gets the glory, as His purposes are accomplished in our lives, in our churches, in this generation.

To God be the glory, great things He has done….great things He will do!

In 2009 a sweet friend, and incredible artist, created a beautiful painting on canvas for our family of two.
At the time, Justin and I desperately longed for children, and although it was not a promise in scripture, I believed in faith that one day God would bless us with children; little “oaks of righteousness, for the display of His splendor” (Isaiah 61:3b).

The painting was my idea- I needed a tangible reminder of this verse. Not only would I pray this verse over our future children, I lived understanding that if anything was to become beautiful of my life, that I MUST be planted, rooted, grounded in the Lord; in Christ alone, in His Word.

And now, all these years later, we have our three little oaks, and I’m just as desperate; even MORE desperate to be planted, rooted, grounded in His Word, as I know with every fiber of my being that being rooted in the Lord is the only way to stand upright in the storms of life.

My story is so wrapped up in this scripture, which has become our family verse. Each word holds weight and meaning for me. For us.

And today, as I consider this next turn in our “divine adventure”, I look back for the first part of Isaiah 61:3— “to grant to those who mourn in Zion, to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of GLADNESS {joy!} instead of mourning; the garmet of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified”

Rooted– it all starts there In the hidden work of the Lord that no one but me + Jesus can see. Any good fruit starts at the ROOT. The hidden places. That’s how we trade the ashes for beauty; as our mind is transformed in HIS WORD. Exchanging the eyes of this world to seeing with the eternal perspective of our Lord through the washing of His Word.

Rooted — it’s my one word for 2017.

Do you need to exchange your ashes for His beauty? Start here. His Word, His truth, His character. Get rooted in Him, and He will grow you up into a mighty oak, unshakeable; immovable, no matter what storms of life for ahead in your life

No one has a life of complete ease.  Trouble looks different in al of our lives, but the common thread is that this life is broken  Suffering intersects all of our lives.  What Hope that we can live for something higher than this broken world

Here we are Jan 3, it’s not too late. Consider picking a bible reading plan. Get into His Word DAILY.  Let me challenge you–You do have time for what is important in your life. Set your alarm 20 minutes early, cut out one TV show, read on your lunch hour or the carpool line. Just get in His Word. Daily. Not to check a box but to get a new heart, deeper roots, a transformed perspective…. and therefore you WILL receive hope, peace, joy.

The FRUIT starts in the ROOT.

I am reading through a two year bible plan through The Gospel Coalition with some close to me. This is a wonderful plan which offers manageable readings each day.

https://blogs.thegospelcoalition.org/tgc/files/2010/12/TGC-Two-Year-Bible-Reading-Plan1.pdf